My Birth Story

Well 21 days ago I gave birth to my beautiful little girl. I was BEYOND ready to give birth to her. My OBGYN had informed me that we'd take Demi out a little early due to her being concerned that she was small. I was expecting to deliver my little girl around the end of March, she was due on April 4th. Well after my last ultra sound we saw that Demi was NOT small but "average size" so we'd wait for me to deliver naturally but not allow me to go more than a few days past my due date.

Well I went more than a "few days" past my due date. After a week post due date my OB asked for me to be induced. However there was a long line up of women to be induced PLUS women just going into labor on their own. There was a list of 17 people waiting for an induction. I was getting so annoyed waiting to go into labor. I was freaking out. I wanted to NOT be pregnant anymore. I was so uncomfortable plus anxious. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe. I was just kind of on the miserable side the 11 days. Everyday I would wake up and call the birthing center to see how far they were along on that list of 17 people. Each day I got told that the list was longer and they would call me when it was time. I didn't want to annoy the hospital by calling many times in a day because, lets be honest, you don't want to piss off the staff that is going to help you deliver. When they call they'll call right?

My sister in law came back from her Florida vacation and went to the birthing center to speak to the nurses (she works at the hospital I gave birth at). They told her that I was the next person on the list and of course my sister in law made me seem extremely miserable when speaking to the head nurse. As soon as my sister in law left the hospital they called me and told me to come into the hospital within the next hour and a half so we can start my induction. I was ecstatic as I had insisted that my husband take me to the mall so I could try walking to trigger labor. I got the call while in the mall! I was sooo excited. So I rush home to get my bags and something to eat. I was told by many people to eat before hand since they wouldn't let me eat at the hospital. As George is getting my bag into the trunk of the car I hear my phone ringing. I answer it and its the hospital. They tell me not to come in. Someone who was in the case room was actually in active labor and now they had no room. Seriously? What would happen if I went into labor naturally right then and there?

I hang up the phone and get all pissed off and sad. I sat on my couch and actually cried from anger and frustration. I started to laugh at one point wondering if this would cause me to go into labor. No such luck. Apparently I had scared everyone I know because no one bothered to call me. They knew how badly I wanted Demi out and of course when I got the call to go to the hospital I called and texted everyone that I was going to deliver my angel. When I found out I couldn't go I made George call everyone. I wasn't in the mood to speak to anyone. I was going to flip out. Eventually my sister in law came over. I wasn't happy about that. Not because it was my sister in law but because I wanted to be alone. She went home after a few hours and I told my husband that I was going to bed.

I went upstairs and took a shower and then got into bed. I was hoping to relax a bit. It didn't work. I couldn't sleep. I was in bed but unable to make my brain turn off. Around 1am I decided to wake up George because I wanted to talk. We talked about everything under the sun. We talked about our exes and how our lives would have been different had we ended up with them (I know weird things to talk about while you are heavily pregnant), we talked about how we planned on raising Demi, we talked about a lot of things. At one point I turned and looked at George and just told him, "Something is wrong," and he asked me what I meant by that. I just looked at him and said, "I don't know but something is really wrong." He told me to just relax and stop stressing. After about an hour I asked him, "What if Demi has swallowed meconium?" Again he told me to just relax and take it easy. He said my nerves were stressing me out and causing me to think the worse of everything. A bit later I told him, "I betcha my labor is going to happen so fast that I miss the window for an epidural" and he laughed at me telling me, "With as demanding as you are there is no way you can miss that window. You have signs ready." Eventually I fell asleep. (We had been awake talking from 1am to 6am). I woke up at 8am and told George that it was 8 and the hospital hadn't called yet. He tells me to call them. (My doctor had told me that come hell or high water I'd be induced on Thursday the 15th).

I call the birthing center and tell them my name (although I'm sure by now that they recognize my telephone number or voice!) and the nurse tells me. "We are going to call you in an hour to come in, they are just cleaning the room for you now". I'm over the moon. George and I had made plans in the middle of the night that we'd wake up, get ready for the day, go for breakfast at Le St-James Hotel and then go to the hospital. So of course now that I've heard this news I jump out of bed and go straight to the bathroom to start to get ready. Of course I have to pee. I pee, I wipe, and I see blood. Red blood. Not the blood of losing your mucus plug. I turn white and begin freaking out. I call out to George and tell him, "Something IS wrong. I'm bleeding." He of course freaks out. Then I realize I don't feel the baby moving and I don't remember when the last time I felt her was. While we were talking in the middle of the night I wasn't paying attention to if she was moving or not.

I tell him to go cut me some oranges so I can jump start the baby. Normally an orange gets her kicking my ass. It didn't work. In the car driving to the hospital, George kept asking me if I felt her moving or not and she wasn't. HELLO if she was moving I would have told you so maybe you can stop driving like a freaking maniac. As I'm in the car I'm using my telephone in order to google what would cause bleeding in late pregnancy. What did I find? Most common cause is a detached placenta. I start crying in the car because I'm bleeding, I can't feel the baby move and I'm thinking that I'm going to deliver a still born baby or something. I am totally freaking out. I go through my mind and tell myself that at 2am I peed and there was no blood, at 5am I peed and there was no blood...so if something serious happened it had only happened between 5am and 8am.

We get to the hospital and go straight to the birthing center. I go to the nurses desk and tell them that they are meant to call me in an hour to come in for induction but I'm bleeding and can't feel my kid moving. They take me straight to a case room and tell me to get into the hospital gown so they can hook me up to fetal monitors. They tell my husband to go down to admitting and have me admitted to the hospital. They have to do this before hooking me up to monitors. George looks at the nurse and says in a stern voice, "Hook my wife up to that machine so I can hear my daughter's heart beat and I'll be more than happy to go admit her." The nurse kind of rolled her eyes but hooked me up. Right away I heard Demi's heart beating strong and I relaxed instantly. I almost cried at this point.

George went downstairs to admit me to the hospital and my sister, cousin, and best friend all showed up at the hospital. As we were just sitting around talking my cousin told me, "Oh my God Jenny you are having contractions" and I said, "I am?!" Apparently the monitor was showing that I was having contractions every 3 to 4 minutes but they weren't very painful. Then they got painful but manageable. Apparently my threshold for pain is a lot higher than I thought it was.

A nurse comes into the room and starts to speak to me in French and I just looked at her as if she was from another planet. Nicole did the translation and informed me that I was now going to a room to give birth instead of sitting in the case room. The case room is where they decide if you are in active labor or not and the birthing room is...well thats pretty much clear cut and dry no?

So I go into a birthing room where I am told to change into yet another hospital gown and take off all my clothes including under garments.(Because apparently you can't have a vaginal delivery if you are wearing panties! Imagine that!). The nurse now puts an IV line in and hooks me up to something that is NOT saline. I ask the nurse what is happening and she says that they are inducing me.(Mind you I'm having a hard time understanding this lady. Her English is horrible and apparently she doesn't speak French very well either!). I ask her why they would be inducing me when I am having contractions steadily. She tells me that I'm not. I insist that she look at the print out from the monitors and she goes "Oh yes you are. Well you are on the schedule for an induction therefore we are inducing you." At this point I just want to give birth so I don't care how it happens although it doesn't make sense. Why cause me more pain when I'm in ACTIVE labor?

Two ladies walk into the room and introduce themselves as my nurses. One is a nurse with over 20 years experience and the other is a nursing student (this is a teaching hospital). I'm immediately relieved that the lady who didn't speak English or French isn't my nurse. I then ask the nurse for the epidural. I obviously don't waste any time. I know that when you are induced you have stronger (aka more painful) contractions so I want to be prepared. The nurse tells me that I have to wait for the resident to come see me to make sure that I'm dilated enough. They won't give an epidural before 4cms and while I was in the case room no one checked me.

About half an hour later the resident comes in and inspects me and tells me that I'm 2cm and about 90% effaced. He also informs me that they are going to break my water. They break the water and the first thing I hear from the student nurse is "Is that meconium in the water" and the resident replies with "Yes. Make sure a pediatrician is here when the baby is delivered." So of course I'm freaking out. Didn't I tell George this would happen? I'm fairly certain I did. George at this point doesn't understand what meconium is or how that is dangerous for a baby to aspirate. I ask the resident, "Excuse me did you say that there was meconium in the water," and he said yes. George asks me what that meant. I tell him in Greek that I'll explain when we are alone. Of course George being George wants to know right then and there. He asks the nurses what that meant and they explain to him. He gets up and leaves the room and goes outside and expresses to his sister in law that he'd like to punch my OBGYN for letting me go so far post due. If I delivered sooner maybe Demi wouldn't have pooped in her water bubble home. He didn't want to show me that he was angry because he knew that I was upset and if I saw him upset or angry it would only upset me more. The nurses explained to George why a pediatrician was going to be here and how they were going to deal with it. If Demi was born and had a hard time breathing they would clean out her lungs. He asked how they planned on doing it and he asked if it was painful to the baby and they told him that it wasn't comfortable. Of course this upsets George further. I tell him to relax that everything would be okay. Seriously I didn't carry this baby for 41.5 weeks for her to be born sick. She would be okay.

The resident leaves and about an hour later I ask the nurse for the epidural again. She tells me that they can't give it to me until I'm at least 4cms along and asks if I read the pros/cons of the epidural. I explain that I'm very much aware of the risks associated with the epidural and with my luck I will be one of the few people whom the epidural does not catch on. They laugh and say that its so rare to happen that the chances are like slim to none. The nurses also tell me that normally you dilate about 1 cm every hour and a half. I still insist on getting the epidural right away. The nurse tells me that in order to get the epidural the resident will have to check me again and they want to limit the number of internal examinations due to them breaking my water and NOT wanting me to get an infection. I demanded to be rechecked. The resident comes and examines me explaining that if I get an epidural now or in early labor is can slow things down and we wouldn't want that now would we? Um yes, I would. I don't care if labor gets slowed down ever since they started me on the Pitocin my contractions are extremely painful. Whereas I could have carried on a normal conversation about an hour ago now I was gritting my teeth and cursing my life. I told George, "No more kids" at one point when a contraction was particularly uncomfortable.

What do you know, I'm 4cms dilated and they call the anesthesiologist who is actually on that floor to come by and give me the epidural. The nurses tell me to get up and go pee because I won't be able to walk for a while after the epidural. I get up and pee and go back to the bed. The anesthesiologist explains to me the procedure of getting an epidural and that I'll be sitting up when they give it to me. They explain how important it is that I do not move. As I am sitting up waiting for the anesthesiologist to get ready I have the urge to vomit. I tell the nurses this and and they explain that its normal to feel from the intense pain I'm experiencing. They give me a barf bucket and I throw up...three times. It wasn't fun. I start to cry because for some reason every single time I throw up I cry. They go hand in hand.

I'm leaning over waiting for the epidural when I get that first pinch. It makes me jump. Oops. They tell me that I can't move like that when they are doing the epidural. I can seriously cause some damage to me. Now the nurse is holding me in place, George is holding my feet and the anesthesiologist is doing her thing behind me. They finish and tell me to lay on my side because I can't lay directly on my back right now. I roll over to my side. They tell me it takes about 20 minutes for the epidural to catch so I will still feel pain but then it will ease into just pressure. Most women are able to rest once the epidural catches so to prepare to drift off to sleep.

As I'm on my side the baby's fetal heart monitor starts to shrill. I am on my side and the baby didn't like that position so she moved causing her heart monitor to no longer be able to catch her heart beat. A new nurse walks in and tells me that shes the replacement nurse while mine are on lunch. She asks me to change sides because Demi might like it more. I am happy to oblige. We start to talk about my rings. She fell inlove with my blue diamond ring that George got me while we were on our honeymoon. Then I felt something...strange?

I tell the nurse, "Stephanie I feel something...different down there." She asks what I mean by different and down there. I tell her I feel an intense pressure but still a lot of pain and by down there I mean, literally down there. It's not in my stomach but literally on my vagina. She tells me, "Thats impossible that you are feeling pain and that intense pressure you are only 4cms dilated." I tell her "No I feel a lot of pressure down there." Again I'm told that I am freaking crazy.

I then let out a scream that would wake the dead and probably did. I look at George and tell him, "I'm going to give birth right now and no one believes me and there isn't even a doctor in the room". Then I bear down with all my strength on the bed rails and I say through gritted teeth to the nurse, "I feel my baby's head coming out." At this point she decided to lift the sheet to examine me herself. Obviously she isn't going to do an internal exam but she'd like to reassure me that it isn't Demi's head trying to make its way out.

The next words out of her mouth scare the crap out of me. "Oh my God, shes crowning". Did I mention that this is a mere 10 minutes after getting the epidural? The epidural which still hasn't caught yet? She rushes to the phone and calls a resident. Over the intercom you hear "Resident needed in room 30 stat!" The resident comes in freaking out. How in the hell did I go from 4 to 10 so quickly? Before I knew it the room was filled with the nurses, the resident, the pediatrician, and a few other people. They quickly converted my bed to where the leg sleeves popped out and they put my legs in them. The doctor told me to push. What already!?!?!

At one point a nurse says that they have to put in a catheter so that I can know when to push. I feel a crazy pain and a sting and I yell out, "what the fuck are you doing to me," (I know I shouldn't have cussed but um, ow!). The resident put his hands up and said, "It's not us its your baby. She's pushing her way out." Two pushes and Demi was there. Yep just 2 pushes. Demi was born exactly 20 minutes after I got the epidural, which NEVER caught. After my second push they put Demi on my belly and I asked them, "That's it? It's over?!" One of the nurses laughed and said yes besides the delivery of the after birth and placenta which might be uncomfortable. I didn't feel that. Everything happened so quickly that I was in a daze. I didn't cry at the birth of my first born. My OB walks in and looks at the resident all angrily and demands to know why I was delivered. She was on her way. The resident told my OB that if they didn't deliver that Demi was going to deliver herself.

My OB decides that she'll finish up (you know the fun sewing part which really, doesn't feel nice when there is no epidural). Apparently my "WTF are you doing to me" episode was when Demi decided to rip me. This kid saw the light and just ran for it. As I'm being repaired the student nurse looks at me and tells me, "I've seen a lot of births while I've been here but I've NEVER seen anything like that before. Your labor progressed so quickly and you delivered without even breaking a sweat."

They handed me Demi after George cut the umbilical cord and they cleaned her up. She was gorgeous. Seriously, I'm not lying and I'm not saying it because she is my kid but she was the cleanest most beautiful baby I've ever seen. George cried. After I was all patched up and had a few minutes with just the three of us I decided I could allow some visitors. There were SO MANY people at the hospital waiting for her birth. Everyone who walked into the room cried when they saw her. I felt like such a douchebag mom since I didn't cry. Everyone said how beautiful she was. I was a proud mom, I still am.

When my sister in law came into the room she tells me that I'm the talk of the floor. Every nurse or doctor who walked by the waiting room was talking about the incredible birth that happened in room 30.

For those who were wondering, no Demi didn't inhale any of her poop. The pediatrician gave her a clean bill of health. The second she was out of me she started to cry, loudly on her own. :)

Today Demi is healthy and still even more beautiful then the day she was born.

When I had originally wanted to write this blog post I wanted to go into more details but having a three week baby at home is a bit time consuming. She takes up a lot of time and I love spending time with her.

And click HERE if you want to see pictures of Demi Hope! :)

Feeling a Little, I Dunno What?!

Would it be wrong to say that I'm feeling like a bad mother already? I guess it just doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I've been feeling miserable these past few days. I'm uncomfortable, I'm moody, and I'm just plain not very nice. Why? Because I'm pastdue/overdue/late to delivery Demi. I hate that I'm still pregnant and then I feel guilty for wanting to evict my child from my body.

I mean, its not like I want her out just for the sake of kicking her out. Everyone I talk to (family members) tell me, "She will come when she is ready". No, listen hear fuckers, she IS ready. I saw on the ultra sound. She has 2 arms, 2 legs, 10 fingers, 10 toes, two working lungs (we watched her take practice breaths!), a cute little stomach, a brain and a fully functioning 4 chamber heart. Um she's done. She could have been born a month ago and all would have been great. I'm currently 10 days past due and my discomfort grows by the minute. She is putting so much pressure on my pelvis that walking is NOT something I can do comfortably anymore. I can't find a comfortable position to sleep and well, at this point I'm just plain paranoid.

My bad mood is affecting my family and friends. I am avoiding their telephone calls and emails because, well, lets be honest. If you were past due wouldn't you hate answering calls about..."So are you still pregnant?" "Aren't you in labour yet?" "Why hasn't your doctor induced you yet?" and a plethora of other questions. Um don't you think if I was in labor or had delivered my baby that you would know? I'm not the type of person to hide that. I'd most likely call one person and then the chain would start and within 10 minutes everyone who has to know would know. STOP ASKING.

I was even polite on Saturday and asked my family members to, "Please stop asking me questions about when I'll deliver. When it happens you'll find out," but apparently my family doesn't know how to take a hint. The best part is when I refuse to answer the phone because I know why they are calling these are the messages that get left on my phone. "Hi Jenny and George, I'm just calling to see how you are doing. I was wondering how you are feeling..well I don't want to keep calling to bother you so..." Um you are bothering me and you are calling me so stop.

I guess I sound ungrateful but you have to understand that at a certain point and time you just get frustrated! I think the best is when someone who has had a kid (or 4) tries to pretend to be your doctor. "Oh my god. I think you need to change doctors, this is ridiculous, why would they let you go over so much. This isn't normal. You need to complain." Um lets see how many ways you are wrong. My doctor is head of OBGYN, she's one of the top rated OBGYNs in Canada, she is a high risk SPECIALIST and if she thought there was a reason to be concerned she'd do something about it. My doctor is YOUR doctors boss so how about you shut your pie hole and just leave me alone?

The hospital has a list of 20 women that are currently waiting to be induced. I'm number 8 on the list. Yesterday they told my husband that I would most likely be called in today. I still haven't gotten a call. Just to be on the safe side I called my doctor yesterday just to see if I'd need to see her for an appointment since I have to go once a week. My doctor told me to come in at 430pm. I get there and wait patiently in the waiting room. She gets paged to go deliver a baby and I'm freaking out now thinking she isn't going to see me.

She asks her assistant to get the room ready for me. She wants to examine me before she runs off to deliver the baby. I go to the examining room. Doctor comes in, I'm 2cm dilated. She's furious that I haven't been called in for an induction yet. She said she's been watching my name move up on the list but she isn't happy about where I am. She told me if I don't go into labor on my own by Thursday that she is inducing me same day no matter what. The hospital is full right now. The birthing center is over flowing (I guess people had nothing better to do in July...its true we had a miserable summer!!) and they have no beds (great perk to free health care eh?). She is going to find me a place if I don't do this on my own by Thursday. She told me to take it easy though. She doesn't want me walking around trying to get labor started because she doesn't want my MG to flare up and then cause problems when it comes time to push. We really want to do a natural birth (with epidural) and avoid a c-section at all costs. If my body gets too tired, I'll have no choice but to get a c-section.

So now here I am Wednesday morning at nearly 7am writing a blog. My spirits are in a bit better mood because I know that no matter what, this will all be over with by tomorrow. I'll finally get to hold my little princess in my arms.

Breast is Best?

So I've been debating writing this post or not. Its been a long time coming. All day long on blogs I read and people I follow on Twitter are pushing breast feeding. No, not recommending it, basically shoving it down peoples throats with their random facts, trying to brain wash you that if you don't breastfeed that you are poisoning your child with formula and that you are a bad mother. A horrible mother. A mother who basically shouldn't have children if you aren't willing to breast feed.


The other day I read a quote on twitter that kind of got my blood boiling. It was something along the lines of "Breastfeeding may not be the right choice for all mothers but it is the best choice for all babies". Um excuse me? Is that so? Is breastfeeding really right for every child? Do the benefits of breastfeeding really outweigh those of formula feeding no questions asked?

I seriously doubt that. Now, let me explain to you my situation. I was never the type of person to even consider breastfeeding. No particular reason why, I just didn't want to. I'm not going to say it repulses me because it doesn't. I'm not going to say there aren't health benefits because there are. I'm not going to say much other than I simply didn't want to. My mom never breastfed my sister or I and we turned out pretty damn okay. My husband wasn't breastfeed and he's alright too. Over the past what, 40 years they have said "Ohhhh breastfeed its the best thing you can do for your kid...." then a few years later its like "Ohhhh formula feeding is best you should do that..." and then a few years later... yeah it just goes back and forth.

When I was 13 years old I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease called Myasthenia Gravis. My body produces way too many antibodies which causes my muscles to get weak and when they are weak they affect the way I live my everyday life. I have trouble going up stairs when I'm weak, I have trouble getting off of the couch, chewing and swallowing become labored, and even speaking is hard because my throat will lock up. All in all its NOT a fun disease to have but I have managed to control it. I've been in remission for a few years with only an occasional flare up.

Getting pregnant was bittersweet for me. I wanted nothing in the world more than to be pregnant and start a family but at the same time I was scared shitless. My disease could flare up hardcore and send me into a really big relapse which would have me bedridden for the entire duration of my pregnancy. I was extremely lucky. I had a minor flare up right around 4 months pregnant and my neurologist just increased the dosage of my medication but the disease has been manageable. Not much has changes in the way I live my life pregnant vs not pregnant. The pregnancy didn't make me ultra weak like we were expecting.

So whats the point? The point is that when you breastfeed your child your antibodies are transferred to your child. Is that really what I want to give my child? I want the things that make me sick to go into my little girl? No, its not a hereditary disease and I can't give it to her BUT she does have a 20% chance of being born with neonatal MG until her body starts producing her own antibodies. Because of this I had decided before I got pregnant that I would not breastfeed. I wouldn't even entertain the thought.

Then I did. I did entertain the thought. I had an appointment with my neurologist who has followed a few pregnant myasthenics in his career and asked him on his thoughts regarding breastfeeding and MG. He recommended that I NOT breastfeed. He explained to me that breastfeeding was very taxing on a womans body regardless of MG or not so imagine how that would amplify my condition. Again, I had decided against breastfeeding. Sorry, call me selfish call me vain but I don't like being weak. The thought of my body relapsing because I am breastfeeding scares the crap out of me. The thought of my child sitting in her crib crying for me to pick her up but I'm too exhausted to get off the couch/bed freaks me out. I just don't want to risk it. How can I properly care for my child if breastfeeding will cause me to have a MG flare up or relapse?

Then at my 35 week appointment with my OBGYN I started to ask her more questions about how exactly would we deliver. Would I be pushing or would that be too taxing on my body and we would schedule a C-section. How would my labor be different from non myasthenics and have any of her other patients breastfed? (Mind you blogs and twitter are forcing me to look into this entire situation. I'm being told I'm a horrible mother for even THINKING of using formula!!) She explained to me that she does recommend that I breastfeed for at least 3 weeks after giving birth but to call MotherRisk and ask more questions just to be sure. Mother Risk told me that there wasn't enough information on MG and breastfeeding BUT I can be sure that the medication I am taking will not pass through to the milk so the medication is safe. That's fine. I appreciated the honesty of the lady I spoke with and thanked her for the little information she was able to find. About 20 minutes later she called me back with a little more information she was able to dig up.

The lady from Mother Risk informed me that although I can not pass the disease on to my child I can pass the symptoms on to her if I'm having a flare up. Basically she won't have MG but she will have the symptoms such as weakness in the muscles, trouble swallowing etc. So while feeding her I'd have to really be watching her sucking/swallowing motion because I'm making her sick. Yeah, I'd be making my kid sick. I'm 28 years old and I get so frustrated when I have a flare up I could not imagine what its like being a few weeks old and unable to swallow the food I need to survive. How can I do that to my kid? How do I do that with a clear conscious because hey, breastfeeding may not be best for me but its best for EVERY kid...no questions asked.

Still, I said I'd look into it even further. Yes, with all this information coming my way screaming NO DON'T DO IT, I'm still looking into it. I was advised to contact La Leche League Canada as they provide mothers and mothers to be with breastfeeding questions, support, help, consultation etc. I looked up the contact number to one local to me and I gave the lady a call. I filled her in ONLY on the condition I had and my questions regarding breastfeeding. I did NOT tell her what other doctors, research, etc had told me. I wanted to hear what she had to say for herself. Again she was honest and told me that she didn't have too much information but she would make some calls and get me the information I desired. The next morning she called me back and told me what she had found out. Although 98% of the information she gave me was AGAINST breastfeeding she was adamant that I try it. She told me about my child picking up symptoms of MG and how it could be dangerous for the kid (choking instead of swallowing!) but that breast is best. I told her that I would feel guilty knowing that I am causing my child to be ill and her response had me floored. It was along the lines of, "Not as guilty as you will feel not breastfeeding and knowing what other diseases you can cause her to get. Did you know that non breastfed children are 30% more likely to get leukemia than breastfed children?"

Are you fucking kidding me? You want to use scare tactics in order to push your agenda? You are meant to be SUPPORTING mothers but instead you want to scare them into doing something they aren't completely comfortable with and that most research points AGAINST? You want to scare me into breastfeeding my child by telling me what can potentially happen in many years from now?

Now, I'm not the best at statistics, in fact I think I had to take the course twice in university before I passed it but there is one quote I will NEVER forget from a very smart professor. "If you beat data hard enough it will give you the results that you want." What does that mean? I'm not saying there aren't proven benefits to breastfeeding children but I am saying that saying my kids is more likely to develop leukemia because shes going to be fed by a bottle is complete and utter bullshit. Did scientist go around to every person with leukemia and poll them on if they were breastfed or not? Did they go to a region where breastfeeding isn't as popular to get their numbers? Really? Seriously? Don't try to scare me into doing something I'm not comfortable with because I'm not as naive as other people you may speak to or as easy to influence.

I kindly told the LLLC lady to go fly a kite and that scaring me was not a way to convince me to try anything, but its actually more likely to piss me off into NOT doing something. Here are some stats for you.

I have one cousin who has 4 children, all 4 of her children were breastfed for different periods of time ranging between 6 months to 2 years (she had to quit breastfeeding during her pregnancies because she was high risk which is why the ranges are so broad.) and all 4 of her children are sick or are sicker than "the average kid".

Another one of my cousin has 3 children and all 3 of them were breastfed and they are all extremely healthy. They barely even get the sniffles.

My other cousin has 2 kids. Both of them were formula fed until they were able to start on cows milk solid food. Never breastfed. These kids are totally healthy and extremely smart.

So according to my "research" my stats show that breastfeeding is WORSE. Out of 7 breastfed kids 4 are chronically ill or have life lasting illnesses. Out of the 2 formula fed babies 2 are very healthy and show no developmental issues or anything else that the breastfeeding police try to shovel our way.

What I'm not understanding at all is why is it that breastfeeding parents/advocates are allowed to push their agenda on non breastfeeding people however if formula feeders do that we are horrible people? We are trying to poison the world and our children and we are spreading lies.

Hmmm maybe next time someone asks me if I'm going to breastfeed or not and then give a shocked/disgusted look when I say "No" I'll just reply with, "Oh please, don't hate me because you couldn't afford to formula feed your child."

Wait, I forgot...I'm a better person than that and I don't judge others for their decisions. Breastfeeding maybe right for person X whereas formula feeding is right for person Y. I don't tell people "Oh my God, you are breastfeeding, what are you a freaking cow!?" and at the same time I don't tell people "Well why don't you try formula feeding, its much less taxing on your body...". I let people make their own decisions regarding how they choose to raise their children and how they choose to feed their children. If someone I know is formula feeding my first response isn't, "Did you at least TRY to breastfeed and found you had problems?" I just accept that was their decision.

No one questions WHY YOU choose to breastfeed, why would you question why I choose to formula feed? When a few people found out about my MG and thats why I'm not breastfeeding they ask me if I've considered donor milk. Um, sorry but thats just wrong to ME. You may like it, you may choose to use that option if you can't breastfeed but I just can't see me doing that or even liking that. My best friend is pregnant and is due a month after I am. I can't see her sitting over here feeding her child and then I tell her "Hey I'll burp your little girl, can you feed mine?" Like I said before, breastfeeding doesn't sicken me but that does. It's just not an option that I am willing to consider because I don't believe that the benefits of breastfeeding are enough to make me feel like an inadequate mother by having other mothers pool their milk, have it bagged and shipped to me. Sorry, I'll take formula over that one.


I guess the entire point of this long winded post is that as mothers we face enough challenges in this world, why do we choose to berate, belittle, and insult those of us who choose to make different decisions than you? Support each other in whatever method of feeding they choose. If its not what you have chosen or would have chosen for your child and you can't accept that, then just shut up and keep your opinions to yourself.

Scary Doctors Visit

So it has been a while since I've actually blogged anything with content. My last blog was a bunch of useless rambling I think but hey, its my blog. I can write whatever I wish right?

So anyway, last Wednesday I had a prenatal check up with my OBGYN. I was going every 3 weeks but now that I've entered my 3rd trimester I have to go every two weeks. The last time I went to the doctors she was insisting that I get more rest. I explained to her that if I got any more rest that I'd be at the spa every single day. In all honesty, I work in an office sitting down most of the day. I come home and my husband has picked up around the house and even started cooking dinner. Now that its winter and my mom is here she'll call us over to invite us for dinner or tell us to swing by and pick up some food and just go home with it. I relax a lot. Mind you my job is stressful because I do work with SUB and DQ but I'm okay with that. I don't let it affect me right? At least I didn't think I let it bother me.

My doctor told me that week that she wanted me to take it easier. I agreed and began to not stress as much about work. I asked her if I had anything to be concerned about and she told me that my uterus was lower than normal for where I was in my pregnancy but nothing to worry about.

When I went last week again she stressed how much I had to take it easy. She measured me to see how far I've expanded and she told me that I was about 5cms LESS than I should be. Since I was 30 weeks I should be 30cms but I am only 25cms. Then she told me that I was going to have a small baby. I asked her again if I had anything to be concerned about and she told me no...but then she told me to go upstairs and schedule an ultra sound for two weeks and to come downstairs right away with my results. So I start to freak out. Obviously my kid isn't going to be huge. I've barely gained any weight so I wouldn't expect for Demi to be huge. Then I stopped to think about it and if the doctor, who is a high risk specialist and head of OBGYN in my hospital, was really concerned wouldn't she make me schedule the U/S right away? Why wait for two weeks?

Then she also mentioned that I wasn't going to make it to full term pregnancy. I technically have 10 weeks of pregnancy left but the doctor said that she'd be happy to keep Demi in her uterus home for the next 6 weeks. She also made me stop work effective Jan 29th but I already had that day off so the 28th was my last official day of work. I'm still working from home and training my replacement via email and telephone and I do still go in but for half days. I promised my boss I wouldn't leave him high and dry. My replacement is good but she does still need some training. She's unsure of how to do some things even though they've been clearly laid out for her in the binder...some people need to DO things and not read about them so its completely understandable!

I've been trying to stuff my face since my doctors appointment to gain weight so that Demi can gain weight but I'm not getting any more plump. I took it ultra easy at my sister's wedding. I only danced to the english portion of the music and not for the entire time either. I barely went up and down the stairs (the owners of the reception hall were nice enough to open the handicapped bathroom upstairs for Nicole and I).

I have to admit I'm really freaking out about Demi being small. I'm a planner for everything and I never planned on having a small baby. I never planned for anything to go wrong with my pregnancy, not that anything went wrong. I know I'm high risk and thats why I see a specialist. Considering that we were expecting the worst for my pregnancy with my mysathenia gravis and everything had gone so well we were never expecting to hear that Demi is small. Like, how small is small? I guess only time will tell...aka the ultra sound. It's going to tell me how big she is. According to What to Expect when Expecting she should be about 3 pounds by now. Doesn't that seem small?


So am I over reacting and stressing over nothing or did my doctor give me stuff to truly be concerned about? I'm having a mini heart attack here but I do a good job of covering it up so my hubby and parents don't see me worrying. If I worry aloud they worry too.

Baby List

So I kind of stole this from Future Mamma's blog.

It's so hard to stay organized while you are pregnant and the amount of things a newborn baby needs is completely overwhelming. Not only that but apparently a side effect of being pregnant is that you completely forget everything. I honestly find myself having to write things down instead of depending on my amazing memory. Very craptastic for me!



So Future Momma put together a list of things she needs, thinks she'll need, knows she doesn't need, or already has. I figured I'd do this as well to track my progress!


NURSERY
Crib and/or bassinet Thanks Mom and Dad!
Crib bedding Thanks Mom and Dad...and George!
Crib mattress Parents again..
Mattress pad
Waterproof crib liner
Fitted sheets (2-3)
Sleep Positioner
Receiving blankets (4-5)
Changing tableParents again...
Changing pad
Changing pad covers
Dresser Parents
Rocker/gliderbought
Hamper nursery
Nursery monitor
Mobile
Night Light

Feeding Supplies
Bottles been bought off my registry even though I haven't sent out invites
Bottle Sterilizer
Bottle brush
Bottle warmer
Bottle drying rack
Nursing pillow
Breast pump
Nursing pads
Nursing cream
Breast shields
Nursing bras
Nursing gown
Milk storage bags
Travel formula dispenser
Pacifiers
Pacifier clips
gas relief drops
High chair Also bought from my registry
Meal mat
Infant spoons
Sippy cups
Teethers

Bathing
Bathtub
Washcloths (5-10) Mom's random shopping I have like 20 already
Baby wash pruchased
Baby shampoo from
Baby lotionregistry
Bath toys
Tub toy pouch
Hooded towels (2-4)

ACTIVITY

Toys and More
Swing Purchased from registry
Bouncer seat Purchased from registry
Play gym
Crib mirror
Jumper
Rattles
Walker
Toy Chest

Books and Music
Preggo Planner Don't believe this is necessary
Pregnancy books
Childbirth books
Breastfeeding books
Parenting books
Baby book
Journal
Educational music
Lullybuy music

NEWBORN ESSENTIALS

Diapering
Diapers (disposable or cloth)-- Too early to buy because baby might be allergic
Wipes
Wipes warmer
Travel pack for wipes
Diaper bag (Afraid to cross this off because I THINK I found my dream bag!)
Diaper pail and refills
Rash ointment
Diaper sacks for travel
Disposable changing pads

Clothing
Homecoming outfit Sister in law bought
T-shirts mom, sister in law, best fright bought
Onesies mom, sister in law, best fright bought
Sleepwear mom, sister in law, best fright bought
Bibs (5-10)mom & best friend bought
Burp cloths Best friend bought
Booties and socks
Hats (2-4)
Mittens
Footed rompers
Sweaters
Swaddle blanket
Baby laundry detergent
Stain remover
Baby clothes hangers

BABY CARE

Health -- All items removed came in a kit that was purchased from my registry
First aid supplies
Thermometer
Medicine dispenser
Baby fever reducer
Nasal aspirator
Humidifier/Vaporizer
Baby brush and comb
Nail clippers

Safety
Safety gate
Corner guards
Outlet covers
Drawer latches
Cabinet locks
Toilet locks
Fireplace bumpers
Fire alarm
Carbon monoxide detector

TRAVEL
Rear-facing infant car seat Sister in law bought from my registry
Car seat base for 2nd car
Full-size stroller
Lightweight stroller
Stroller rain shield
Stroller toys
Infant car mirror
Pack and play
Soft carrier

MISCELLANEOUS
Birth announcements - Already have a designer in mind
Thank you cards - see above
Stamps
Camera
Camcorder
Picture frames
Growth chart
Batteries
Baby calendar
Personalized items



OPTIONAL STUFF I'D LIKE
Baby sling - Still debating on if I'm a baby wearer or not
Baby Wrap
Diaper stacker Came with my bedding set
Nursery curtainsCame with my bedding set
Pregnancy pillow A life send!

So far it looks like I have a lot crossed off my list. Other things that aren't crossed off are on my registry but only like 5 people know of my registry so it's not shocking that a lot of things haven't been bought. My mom goes nuts everytime she goes out shopping she has to pick something up for Demi.

Demi already has mounds and mounds of clothes just waiting for the nursery to be put together, washed, dried, and put away. I already have my bag for the hospital (obviously not packed yet)and I'm waiting to find my perfect dream diaper bag. Demi and Mommy are going to be styling the entire way!

So what do you guys think of my progress? What do you guys think of my registry? Too much? Not enough? Useless things on there or not?

I know that people don't recommend wipe warmers but its something that I want for Demi so damnit I'll get it for her! I have a bunch of little things on the registry because between my mom, sister, sister in law, best friend, and best friends mom/sister, all the large "Bulk" items have already been purchased. My parents bought the entire nursery for me (crib, crib mattress, bedding set, changing table, dresser, night stand, bassinet, and glider). My best friends mom and sister have bought me the bouncer, the high chair, the play pen, a bathtime set, some bottles etc! My sister in law got me a boat load of clothes (that she won't let me see) and Demi's stage two car chair (infant over 20lbs). My sister hasn't bought it yet but shes getting me the travel system which is the stroller and car seat. Nicole (best friend) has bought me a bunch of clothes (she also won't let me see) and some random small things for Demi.


So yeah, thats my list and I'm kind of proud of the progress made. I'll probably be updating this post as the months pass by (sheesh I'm already 6 months along) and again after my baby shower!

By the way what do you guys think of my sample invite? It's the first shot only and we are making some changes to it.

Is the end near?

Is the end near for work? NaBloPoMo? My pregnancy? The cold weather?

No, I'm not complaining, okay well maybe a bit! Work has been so long this year that I just can't believe the holidays haven't started yet. Seriously I think this was one of my longest years. I think the stress is starting to get to me considering the fact that last night I had a dream that my boss/co-worker pissed me off and I just said "I quit" and I stormed out of the office not even bothering to look back.

It's really funny because I honestly don't feel the stress while I'm there. Sure there is a lot to do but two of the big projects are off of my desk and in the hands of the printing company who can hopefully meet the deadline. But I think just being in the office on a daily basis and having to answer all the questions my boss has which are like, "Did you do this?" "Has this been mailed?" "Do you think we should..." It's like GRRRRR! I was trying to plan on all of this stuff MONTHS back but no one cared. You know that expression "Procrastination is like masturbation, you only end up fucking yourself?" Oh so wrong... everyone else's slacking off ended up fucking me!

It's so freaking cold here in Montreal right now. No snow or anything but just bone chilling cold. Like super cold. To top that off George borrowed my car and left me with 2L of gas. Basically that would have gotten me half way to work only. I had to stop to pump gas in freaking -20 weather. Not fun. I bitched so much that when I went to work late my boss was like, "It's okay. Don't worry about it." But I was just so furious! I don't think I spoke to George for the entire day because of that. All I have to say it that I'm so happy that today was the FIRST day in my 10 years in Montreal that I chose to wear gloves!

I don't want this to be a pregnancy blog and I really feel like I talk about the pregnancy so much its driving me crazy but I wanted you guys to know that at 24.5 weeks I am starting to FEEL pregnant in the sense that apparently Demi is 1.7 pounds right now and I can actually FEEL myself carrying that around. Getting in and out of cars that are low to the ground takes some extra effort. I don't have the need to pee in the middle of the night or other weird things that apparently some people are feeling from 10 weeks pregnant (yes that sarcasm and yes thats me rolling my eyes). Although when I do feel the urge to pee I have to pee, like right then and there. There is no more "Oh I'll go in a few minutes."

I'm so sorry I've missed 2 nights in a row. :( On Wednesday I had two doctors appointments and I found out that my best friend is going to have baby girl so Demi will have a best friend. This also makes the baby my SECOND little girl to baptize! George and I are going to baptize her together and this excites us so much! :)

Now I'm off to read all the blogs I missed over the past few days!

Shopping? Baking? Where did the time go?

I'm really freaking out because I thought that this year I was more into the holiday spirit, that I was doing a great job getting ready for Christmas. Apparently, I'm not. I put my tree up in November and thats about it. I've hardly decorated and honestly thats because I don't have that many decorations... I was never into decorating for holidays but now with Demi on the way I figure I should be more into it. I'll be going shopping on Boxing Day (Canadians version of Black Friday) and picking up 50-60% off holiday decorations. I already have a mini tree for Demi's room though!

I started my baking yesterday and figured I'd get some done today but I didn't have time. I got home late, ordered dinner, ate dinner with George, picked colors for the basement and Demi's room, wrote Christmas cards, looked up some addresses for my sister's wedding shower and wedding (seriously, are we still sending these damn things out!?). I seriously considered just putting together my list for my baby shower invites but since the invites aren't ready yet and I haven't heard anything much from the designer as of late I don't know where we stand. I honestly think that if the invites aren't ready or at least a proof ready by the end of this week I'll just look online like I had done for my wedding and wedding shower invites.

I might bake more tomorrow but who knows how I'll feel after work? I thought about maybe baking on Wednesday but I have two doctor's appointments back to back, and then run an errand for my sister's wedding and then come home. I might be in a sour mood by the end of the day. Actually maybe not, on Wednesday we find out if Nicole and Rody are having a baby boy or a baby girl. Which really means I'll find out what George and I are going to be the God parents to. A part of me wants her to have a baby girl so that I'm not the only one with a girl...and another part of me wants Demi to be the only little princess in the group. She is the first to be born so I know shes going to be the boss. It makes it easier if there aren't two little girls fighting for the Queen role. If Demi is anything like me, she'll definitely be the ring leader of this group (and eventually the world... I just feel it!!)

I haven't done ANY Christmas shopping yet. Like seriously! On Saturday night we are having our groups little Secret Santa...which isn't really a secret since I know who everyone has. I was going to order something online for the person I got but I'm afraid the gift won't be here in time not to mention that it will probably end up costing more with rush shipping, duties and taxes... and if I get it delivered directly to Montreal instead of to George's warehouse in the US is the added cost of international shipping plus brokerage charges. Gosh, I'm happy we have that warehouse in the US.

I just feel that all of this time is passing by so quickly and nothing is getting done. Sure I'm putting small dents into everything but NOTHING is 100% complete...well I did manage to get out all of the corporate gifts for work but I still need to think of what to get my boss. Yes, my in office co-worker and I always buy our boss something. He's honestly treated us great and always gives us awesome gifts so we try to return the favor on a smaller scale.

My first year at work I was only there for 3 months when Christmas rolled around. Daniel bought me a gorgeous pink rolling luggage carry on thing. Everytime I've taken it ANYWHERE I get compliments on it. Everyone nudges their friend and goes "Oh look how cute that is! Isn't that nifty". I sent him an Edible Arrangement since I barely knew the guy right!?

Last year he gave me a 500$ gift certificate to Best Buy that I used towards the purchase of a 60" television for our basement (George and I paid the difference). My co-worker and I went to a store called Tin Dex (I think thats the spelling) that sells a lot of collectible products. Daniel has a real penchant for Coca Cola products. Like, seriously loves them. He has a cabin "up north" and he has one room that has EVERYTHING Coca Cola. So Ernesto and I bought Daniel a Coca Cola clock that has the neon red light around it and a Coca Cola napkin holder.

I told Ernesto we should go back and continue his collection of Coca Cola products. Daniel has no idea where this store is, not many people do. I only know of it because George is in the toy/collectible industry and they deal with each other. I'm completely out of ideas on what to get Daniel. Daniel has EVERYTHING he could ever ask for! His other hobbies are just too expensive to contribute towards. He loves to water ski (barefoot too!) Um actually that's the only hobby I can think of. Last year his wife recommended that we get him some accessories for his iPhone but Daniel has everything related to his iPhone possible. I was thinking either getting more Coca Cola related things or getting Daniel a gift card to Swiss Ski School in Florida which is where he goes at least twice a year? Maybe $100 from each of us? It wouldn't be much but it is a one night stay there.

Opinions? Ideas?

By the way: Are y'all done with your shopping!?

NaBloPoMo: 12/31

Oh so tired.

I think I'm going to make this my theme song. I'm so tired. Sheesh I'm tired. Damn I'm exhausted. Wow, I'm beat. Yep pretty much sounds like things I can be heard saying over the last FOREVER. I'm just sooooo tired all the time.

You know how Sundays are meant to be the relaxing days? Yeah, not so much. It seems like Saturday is the running around day and Sunday is the do home errands day. Well today consisted of baking and I can honestly say I'm tired from doing that. I made two batches of fudge, 2 batches of greek shortbread cookies, and 2 batches of chocolate chip cookies. Oh word of advice, if you are baking be sure that you don't have people over because they tend to eat a lot of cookies and then it doesn't even look like you made that many because so many are chilling in their tummies...I'm just saying.

So after baking all day we decided to order dinner. Well that was a crappy idea. I called to place the order at 6:15 and was sold that the food would arrive between 30 and 45 minutes. Yeah, dinner got here at 8pm. You'd think there was a blizzard or something outside but it was just normal snow fall. Like 1 to 3 cm. We got the food for 50% off but seriously, it wasn't worth it. By the time the food got to us what was meant to be hot was cold, what was meant to be cold was hot, the pitas were soggy because the tomatoes had been left cut on the sandwich for too long. All in all, I would have rather eaten fudge for dinner but my husband doesn't seem to think that its healthy for me or Demi. I can tell you that Demi liked the sliver of fudge a lot more than then food she ate. Oh, maybe thats me talking and not Demi.

So I've been reading people's blogs and following them on twitter and I think to myself "These people are freaking crazy!" What people? The pregnant ones. The ones who ask 80 million questions about their pregnancy, the ones who I am CONVINCED are only having "phantom" symptoms of various things. Ones who want to feel something because they think they should or because everyone else is. Yeah it bothers me. Like sure, I have pregnancy questions too but I don't bother the whole net with them. Either I troll the internet for medical journals to answer my questions or I call my OBGYN who is not only amazing but her assistant knows SOOOOO much. I always get an answer right away. If the assistant doesn't know then the doctor personally calls me back before the end of the day.

On Friday I kind of avoided blogging and being on the internet because in all honesty I started to get paranoid. Normally Demi kicks me a lot but on Friday she was rather still. I started to wonder a million things, mainly "Is something wrong". Instead of posting it on FB, my blog, and twitter I sat online and did some research. Turns out that for as far long as I am its very normal for Demi not to always be active. It's after 28 weeks that I should be concerned if I don't feel her move too much. I read on the internet but I was still a bit freaked out so I called our Info Sante number (Health Info) and spoke to a live nurse who told me its very normal. If I was really freaked out I could try to push on various places on my tummy to try to get a reaction out of her. I did that and I laid on the couch on my side and suddenly my little soccer player was on fire.

I guess my point is that while although Twitter, Facebook, and blogs are meant to be an outlet and a good place to get advice, I wouldn't trust my babies health or life to it. Sure a lady in North Carolina might have experienced something similar and thinks its normal while a lady in Texas never did and thinks its horrible and I should rush to the hospital. Social networking sites and blogs really shouldn't take the place of a health care professional.

Okay enough ranting. I'm going to lay down because very soon I'm going to fall asleep at the computer. Part 2 of baking commences tomorrow.

NaBloPoMo: 11/31

Wedding Bells

Again, its 11pm and I'm just NOW sitting down to write my blog. Seriously, something has to be done about this. I'm not finding time to blog, instead I find myself rushing something else to be able to sit down to write and then of course the post is crappy like last night.

Either way, todays topic is about wedding bells! Nope, not mine! My sister is getting married in 6 weeks, yep you heard that right 6 weeks. Jan 30th is the day and I thought it'd never get here. In fact it really seems like this is the longest engagement in the history of the world.

My sister is not much of a wedding planner. She didn't really help me out with my wedding planning and she hasn't really helped out anyone with the planning of her wedding. I've given up on doing anything "wedding" related as far as the "big day" goes. If she doesn't have any flowers its not my problem.

My best friend is my sister's koubara (like a maid of honor) and together we are PLANNING her show (my momma is paying, I just do all the leg work!) So far the venue is booked, the invitations went out, and the RSVPs are rolling in. The problem here? Her registry kind of sucks. It's really not her fault. It's my mom's fault. My mom has bought EVERYTHING for my sister and her hubby to be. Pots and pans...check. Tupperware...check....towels...check (like 19820392 of them)....bed linens....check and double and triple check (duvet, comforters, and sheets all done...like 7 sets of each)....toaster oven, slow cooker, coffee maker...check check check.

See why its hard to blame her for a bad registry? Not only that but I went with my sister to register and she didn't want to add anything to it because she thought that everything was priced too high and she didn't want anyone to feel obligated to buy her what she asked for. I told her to do it anyway. Some people will be willing to spend the money on the gift and others won't. Thats why you put items from different price categories onto the registry. Someone may only spend $40 (placemats for the table) while someone is willing to spend $150 (those photo frames sets...)for big ticket items a few people may pitch in get her something really nice. Nope, she kept her registry pretty bare and all the good things were already purchased by her koubara as well as koubara's mom.

Now I'm stuck taking the RSVP's and answering the question: "Is there anything Alex wants that isn't on her registry?" How do you explain to them that anything needed for a house is already purchased and she just wants decorative knick knacks... oh but shes very picky and has taste like my mom? It's almost too easy to say "Yeah I think you should give her cash" but that sounds greedy and makes the shower look as if its a money grab which its not and shouldn't be.

I remember when I was getting married I was on some wedding forums and people said the tackiest thing in the world was to be told "no box gifts" or "they couple is collecting cash for X reason". Let's be honest, part of the fun of a wedding shower is to watch the bride open her gifts, not to watch her open envelopes and count cash.

So now I have to come up with some fun and interesting games that can be played with people of all ages, get some prizes for these games, order the cake for the shower and just wait for the shower to be over with....then start the bachelorette party...then the spa day and then wait for the wedding to get here....all while fat and pregnant and in my 3rd trimester.

I'm going to be 31 weeks at my sister's wedding. I had to order a tent for a dress....seriously, I'm not joking. The dress was ordered when I was 3 months pregnant and they sized me and guessed where I'd be...my dress is a size 24. Yes, thats TRIPLE my CURRENT size... I guess I'm spending a boat load of money on alterations!!


NaBloPoMo: 9/31

I'm not normal am I?

I knew from a young age I was different than most people around me. I have always had very thick skin and making me cry was something that was rare. Maybe it was caused by being teased in grade school for being ugly? I dunno, I obviously out grew that eh? LOL

Either way I'm really starting to think that maybe I wasn't wired properly. Why? Well, George and I are cheesy and we watch things like "Say Yes to the Dress" where they have brides trying on wedding dresses and of course they have to say YES to the dress so the bridal consultant can make her commission and believe me, with some brides its like mission impossible to get a yes! 90% of these bride to be chicks CRY when they find their dress. They just break down and start bawling and of course their mom/sister/aunt/cousin/entire fucking entourage cries when they see the dress on the bride to be comes out in "THE DRESS". I dunno. I didn't cry. I saw myself in my dress and said "Oh damn this looks great...but I'm going to keep on looking". And thats what I did. I continued to try on other gowns because I didn't want to buy the very first dress I tried on without continuing to look.

I went back at the end of that day and told them I'd like to buy the dress I tried on that morning. No tears, no shaky hands believing that this was actually happening. I knew I was buying THE DRESS without the water works. My sister cried. Both times. My mom cried when she went with my sister to find the dress. Me, I'm a freaking rock. I'm like "thats cool. I like it". I just don't cry.

Now that I'm pregnant and others around me are pregnant I think I'm strange still. I didn't cry when I first heard Demi's heartbeat. I just smiled and giggled a little bit, actually a lot. I think it was nervous laughter but I was excited, but not enough to bring me to tears. When I first saw Demi on the ultra sound again I didn't cry. I just told George, "Oh my god, look at our little person!" and I was happy. Over the moon, no tears. We found out that our little person was a girl and I didn't cry. I smiled and said, "I look forward to meeting you Demi."

I don't keep a pregnancy journal, I don't mark down my feelings each and every single day, and gasp, every now and then I forget to take my prenatal vitamins. I'm not a pregnancy nazi and not every single one of my conversations revolves around being pregnant, my pregnancy, or my soon to be daughter. I can talk about anything and everything. My pregnancy hasn't consumed my life. In fact, a lot of the companies that I work with (buyers, distributors, dealers) don't even know that I'm pregnant because I'm not the type that is going to shout it out from the roof tops. Believe me, I'm so happy and excited. I just can't wait for the day I give birth but does it mean that I'm not normal because I haven't allowed this to take over my life? Because I didn't cry when I heard the heart beat or when I saw her for the first time on the ultra sound? Does that mean I'm going to be a bad mom? An uncaring mom? Or God forbid a cold mom like one of George's aunts? I don't think so. I mean, I guess, I'm just pregnant but still the same great Jenny. This is just one aspect of my life that's changed and I really wish that other pregnant people would realize this. Seriously, your pregnancy isn't the only thing I want to hear about. How are YOU doing?! How is work? How is everything in your life besides your pregnancy?

It's annoying. Before you get pregnant you start to get fed up with all the questions, "So when are you guys going to have kids," "Are you trying," "When can we expect a new addition?" and then after you are pregnant you get tired of all the new questions, "Are you feeling sick?" "Do you want to know if its a boy or a girl," "Have you felt the baby move,"? My replies is "I'm fine and how are you?" It's really funny I've gotten more phone calls from family members in the past 5 months than I have in the last 10 years I've lived in Montreal.

How rare is it that I cry? When my daddy walked me down the aisle at church on my wedding day I actually HEARD people say, "Oh my God, Jenny is crying, take a picture take a picture!" or "No way, shes CRYING?!" Maybe I'll cry when Demi is born and put into my arms? Maybe I'll just smile and be speechless while looking down at the bundle of joy in my arms?

Does my lack of crying mean I'm not normal?


NaBloPoMo: 6/31

I'm Clueless

I normally know what I want to write about. Something happens to me during the day and I'll instantly say "OMG I have to write about that" but today was an unblog worthy day. Did some sleeping, went to eat, made dinner, had friends over and now I'm just relaxing at home. Pretty uneventful eh?

Tomorrow should be a pretty eventful day. My cleaning lady is coming and shes going to change the curtains in my kitchen, dinette, and family room. (My mom sent me all new curtains for those 3 rooms, new rugs and decorative towels for my bathrooms, and a new bedsheets. It's an early 2nd year anniversary gift). But I'm starting to think that putting everything up tomorrow is a bad idea. Why? Tomorrow the contractor comes to start on the renovations for the basement. I don't know. It's like one person is cleaning and the other person is making a mess and dust... just doesn't seem that normal to me but I can't tell her to not come. She really does depend on the money she makes each day to support her family. Losing $100 she gets paid can affect her bottom line and I'm not about to do that to a. a family friend b. someone who does so much more for me than she should.

I just might ask her not to change the curtains and rugs until the next time she comes because the contractor is going to be here for about 2 weeks. Then again the renovations are happening in the basement and the basement is separated from the rest of the house by two doors. The mess and dust should pretty much be contained right?

Then when thinking of doing all these home renovations I keep on thinking about how I have empty out the room that is going to be Demi's. I have to get rid of that Ikea set that George brought into this house (100% completely against my will. I wouldn't even let him assemble it because its sooo not my style and it really doesn't match the look of this house.) I have to get rid of it because I need to empty out that room and get Demi's room painted and then bring in the boxes with her furniture. It's too early to set it all up (besides I want to do that with my mommy...not the assembling but the actual putting together of the room). So far I have in storage the crib, change table, dresser, chest, nightstand, glider with ottoman, and the bassinet for my room. A lot of things have been taken off of my registery already which is so amazing and amusing. I haven't even sent out invites for the wedding shower or really told a lot of people where I am registered but all the big ticket items are already bought (playpen, bouncey swing, high chair, and car seat).

I think I'm finally getting into the nesting phase. Everytime I see a mess I have to get rid of it. I'm cooking more, looking into things that are easy to make for when Demi is here, thinking of what else I can do to make the house more child friendly and just plain ole getting that feeling. Nesting is kind of fun. I didn't think I'd enjoy nesting because lets be honest, George has done all the upkeep of the house between the times our cleaning lady comes, he's done all the cooking since I got pregnant, he does all the grocery shopping...in all he does everything while I rot my brains on the computer, reading a book, or watching television. The only thing I really do is accompany George and Dallas to doggie school. George does the walking with him and I do all of the commands (he's pretty good too. Did you guys see his birthday and Christmas pictures? He does the sit/stay so well!)

Anyway my nesting has hit and its great. My house is going to be in tip top condition until this feeling goes away...or until Demi comes along and totally kills my sleeping pattern.

Which brings me to my next thought, before I got pregnant I was completely insomniac. I'd literally go to bed around 2 or 3 each morning and thats only because I KNEW I NEEDED sleep, not because I felt it. Now, I find myself struggling to stay awake past 10pm (although these past couple of nights I've been going to bed way late). Once the baby is here will it change for me again? Will I find late nights and early mornings impossible to deal with or will I be fine with it? Will I go back to not needing sleep?

Oh the many questions I have. Oh I have a post in mind for tomorrow, just someone remind me okay? It's called "Am I normal".


NaBlogPoMo 5/31

Happy Friday?

Of course, just my luck. The minute I sit down to blog my friends come over. I just told my best friend to give me some time that I have to blog because I have my commitments. Remember, part of blogging was to find time for myself because that apparently disappeared and seriously, if I have no time now just imagine what is going to happen when I have the baby.

You know how everyone says TGIF? I wasn't too pleased that today was Friday. Not because Fridays are always bad but because this Friday was just hectic. I got a bunch of stuff done but it really doesn't feel (or look) like I got a lot accomplished. My desk is still overflowing with paper work and things that need to be done. Believe me, its not fun! I spent the first two hours of my day in the office with my boss just basically reviewing everything that I did, have to do, and of course what he has to do...which is nothing! Everything in the office seems to fall onto my shoulders! It's okay though, we all realize that I thrive when under pressure.

Um wow. I wrote that and then went away for about 3.5 hours because my friends were over and we ate dinner and all that good stuff. I completely lost track of what I was talking about. I am going to blame that on my pregnancy. It's like placenta brain or something, my baby is sucking my brains out.

So my mommy called me today at work bitching for a good two hours about a situation that happened last night and it honestly pissed me off. It irked me that my mom lets things bother her, it irks me that people can't be responsible when they should. The entire world isn't going to always be there to pick up YOUR messes but hey, who am I to talk?

Anyway after work I came home and went with George to go to my mom's house to unload some things that she had sent to my sister as part of her wedding dowry and of course my mom smuggled some things in for me. :) Actually I wasn't too excited to see what she got me (things for my house, some pretty bathroom rugs and new decorative towels) but more for the things that she got Demi before we knew if we were having a boy or a girl. Well its very obvious that my mom was hoping for a boy. The outfit was brown and cream with a little airplane pilot and the other one was white with little teddybears and lions and looks pretty boyish. I mean, sure Demi can wear them because they ARE gender neutral colors but they are just boyish looking. I don't mind. I'll still put my little girl in clothes from Grammy. I'll just be sure to wear them on her when shes home... with just mommy and daddy.

So yeah, its nearly 10:40 and I totally lost the steam that I had when I started this post so I'm going to end it now and read all the great blogs that are in my google reader.

NaBloPoMo - A day late

So I don't know if you guys have heard of this or not but there is a thingie going around that bloggers call NaBloPoMo where bloggers will post one blog a day for an entire month. It's usually done in November but some are doing it in December. Some including me. Ari who is the most active blogger I know, Heather who has taken a long hiatus, and Ashley who was a bit spotty with her postings. So thats basically my ENTIRE blogging circle. I read a lot of blogs, have some followers but those are the bloggers I keep in touch with the most. Hopefully doing this together will help us all stay motivated. I've been so busy lately and just always feel that I never have any time for myself that hopefully NaBloPoMo will help me set aside some much needed me time!

So enough of NaBloPoMo. I did something very very interesting today. Interesting in an eerie way. Today my husband and I, along with his brother and sister in law, went to Mont Royal Cemetery (MRC) to reserve our plots. Yes, you read that right. We reserved our graves. Interesting right? Kind of freaky too? Why in the heck would I do that if I'm only 28 years old?

Well, George's mother died unexpectedly a bit under two years ago. We were all emotional and shaken up and then struggling to find a nice place to lay her to rest. On top of that, when you go to make funeral arrangements they want to charge you an arm and a leg for their services. The funeral home charges you for the wake, the flowers, the hearse, and of course the casket and of course they are going to charge you premium rates. I can honestly tell you that we paid over $30,000 to bury my mother in law because the funeral home takes advantage of you when you are in need.

Last week George's partner buried his father. They were a bit smarter about it. The father was ill and they had been expecting this for quite some time so the went to the funeral complex AHEAD of time and booked a package. They pre-paid for everything and the only arrangements they had to make for the wake and the funeral were actual small details like, "what type of floral arrangements do you want? What time do you want the funeral to be."

Of course being curious we had found a nice way to ask about how much they paid vs how much we paid and we found out that it was a lot cheaper. My sister in law called the MRC to find out if there were any graves available close to where our mother in law is buried. It turns out that they are making another circle and that there is a waiting list. When we told them that we were looking into purchasing 10 side by side double plots they bumped us on the waiting list and gave us an appointment for today. The cost of a double plot (27 sq ft) is $7,500. When we buried my mother in law it was $5,000 so basically its increasing at about $1,250 a year. Let's just do some math shall we? I'm 28 years old and plan on living until at least 80...can you imagine how much a plot would cost in 52 years? $72,500 IF there are spaces available. Okay so maybe I'm over doing it. At the meeting today we had said that in about 20 years from now these plots would be going for about $30,000. Could you imagine leaving your spouse or children with that kind of expense? George and I put 20% down on our plot and signed an interest free contract to pay it off over the next 5 years. I think its a great investment because you won't be burdening your family with these kind of decisions when you pass away.


My parents don't live in Montreal right now but they do plan on moving back here eventually. I discussed this with them and also discussed with them how the other family did an entire package and my parents were completely on board. For the time being I just put their 20% down and gave some post dated checks and when they get here in the winter they can decide on what kind of package they'd like as far as a 1 or 2 day wake, type of casket, and tomb stone they want.

I know it sounds eerie, creepy, and a bit sad but we look at it like planning for our future. Let's be honest shall we, we will all die one day. Why not be prepared? You can get taken advantage of when you are feeling extremely emotional or you can have everything prepared and you can just mourn without having all these big decisions to make.

What I found the creepiest is that one of George's cousins bought a plot for his mother, a plot for him and his wife, and one for his kids. Um your KIDS? You have two young and healthy kids. Two kids that will probably grow up and get married. Get married to people who might not want to be buried with their inlaws. Let's be honest, most times the women go get buried where their husbands are. He has one boy and one girl. Does he plan on them sharing? Give it to just one of the kids? Sell it to someone else at a later date? I dunno, I found that part really weird.

Oh lets talk about something a bit more cheerful. I went to my OBGYN today. I lost a pound (I still weigh less than when I joined Weight Watchers)but the baby is growing just fine. She kind of freaked on me (OBGYN) she was like, "I can't yell at you for not gaining weight because your stomach is growing fine, your uterus has expanded properly and your daughter is growing at a great rate (length/weight)."

1/31 NaBloPoMo

I'm still alive, and pregnant!

So for those of you who have me on Facebook and Twitter you found out yesterday that I was pregnant. I haven't been feeling well at all and have been having a big fight with morning sickness which is a complete crock. They should really call it "All effing day long sickness". If it was just in the morning it would be perfect. I'd have a great excuse for not coming in on time and then rocking the afternoon with my kick ass work ethic but apparently that isn't going to happen. I am still late for work, I drag my feet the rest of the time...oh wait, that is when I'm ABLE to go to work.

So if you guys remember from my blog post The Talk my boss had actually asked me if I was pregnant and I said no expecting it to be true. My period wasn't even late when he asked me or anything of that sort. The only "sign" I had was my emotionalness. But then again, I'm a Cancer and we are known for being emotional & moody. A week passes and now I am late but again I don't take it into consideration. My period likes to screw with me and left its lovely 28 day cycle and likes to jump between 28-36 days! Yeah, lots of fun eh? Well when I was leaving work two weeks ago the last thing I saw online was that Nicole Richie just released a maternity clothing line, my bosses words rang in my head, and I said, "Well I'm going to the pharmacy to pick up my medications, might as well get a pregnancy test."

Man did I NOT believe it when it said positive. I started crying like a two year old who just got her lollipop stolen. Being typically Jenny, instead of calling my husband first I called my mom and dad and then my sister and then my husband. Sorry George but we Georgio-who's really stick together.

Together we told a few of our family members and some of our friends. We weren't going to say anything until the first trimester was over but I had to post an ad on FB for a maternity leave replacement (Quebec gives you up to a year paid maternity leave and your position is guaranteed when you return) and then I started to get the comments and questions about being pregnant and of course I couldn't deny it so I said Yes. Now everyone knows! :)

Why was I putting an ad up for Mat Leave replacement when I'm not even thru my first trimester? Because of my myasthenia gravis I am high risk and might be put on bed rest anywhere between now and before I give birth. I see my OBGYN on Sept 3rd to discuss how my pregnancy is progressing, how I'm feeling, and to see how long I will be able to come into work at the office. I know I have a sit down job but honestly speaking, my co-workers stress me to the max and they are not worth me having any complications or a miscarriage. In fact if my co-workers were to get hit by a semi, I wouldn't celebrate but I wouldn't exactly be mourning either. And hey, just because a semi hits you doesn't mean you are dead :)

Hopefully after I pass my 3 months all will be well and I won't want to vomit every 15 minutes! So far I've had to cancel my trip to Vegas for work and its looking like I won't be able to fly to Texas either for my reunion. I'm so upset considering how much time and effort I've personally put into planning the reunion along with Heidi and a few others. Maybe I'll drive down? Take a train? Not only that but my parents were really looking forward to seeing me in September and October. :(

So that is what has been going on in my life. Hope you are all fairing better than me.