I guess I should start out this letter by thanking you. I should thank you a whole bunch of a lot for helping make me the person that I am today. For a long time I thought that without you life pretty much sucked. For a long time I missed you and longed for you and totally hated moving away a few days after my high school graduation. For a long time I let you ruin a good thing when I had it. For a long time I just came to resent you and then of course...I put the resentment in my back pocket and just continued to love you.
I never really understood our relationship B. It was a freaking roller coaster, our highs were super high and our lows were extremely low and the time it took to get from up to down was short. Both of us had a temper that didn't take too long to flare up and took forever to calm down. You and I were never destined to be together. You know when you just meet someone and know that they were brought into your life for a good reason? I do not know what God was thinking when he had the two of us meet. Even our meeting was a complete fluke. Our relationship was just never meant to happen but you and I just went against all odds. We didn't listen to our mutual friends when they told us how bad we were together. We both chalked up their opinions to "They are just jealous" "They didn't want us to meet because he wanted to date you...she wanted to date you..." (Let's be honest though, that was totally part of the reason. I know. Years later it was admitted to me by BOTH parties. She wanted you, he wanted me), and other stupidities. You know how sometimes you can't really see what is wrong because you are smack dab in the middle? Well when you are an outsider you have a perfect view. People saw that two people like you and I should not date. We thought they were crazy because we were obviously passionate about one another and about our relationship.
The downfall to our relationship was your jealous and my indifference towards that jealousy. You had graduated high school 4 years earlier and had a job. We didn't get to spend those school hours together that most people my age did. I mean we didn't get to walk each other to class and hold hands in the hallways, go to lunch together, or drive home together. When school let out for the day you were still at work. When you were off of work my parents were home and we all know how much my parents LOVED you and let me spend time with you. Basically we could only sneak around on the weekends...after I finished work at my parents place...or after school let out on your break from work.
We did everything we could to spend time together and we had a blast together...when we weren't fighting. But if we are being honest with each other we have to admit that you and I had some hilarious times together too. Like, how about when I fell into a mini hole the first night we met (talk about lasting impressions), you showing up 45 minutes late on our first date that my parents KNEW about (what is that I said about impressions), having to hide out at the lake when we were there after hours...therefore making me come home past my curfew (see why my parents loved you so much?), making out at the stop light and not realizing when the light turned green and everyone honking at us, you coming to my window in the middle of the night just for a kiss... Oh yes. We shared a lot of laughs and giggles. But then again all the times we'd fight because of the after school practices with the wrestling team, the fact that most of my friends were guys (did you forget that our relationship alienated me from two of my best girlfriends?!), and of course the lack of time spent together because of my parents not approving of our relationship.
Looking back on everything I see that out of the two of us I made the most sacrifices. I lost my best friends for a while (after dating you and moving away there wasn't much left to salvage), I fought with my parents (mainly mom) all the time, and I just stopped feeling like I was me. You didn't really give up much. Your friends adored me (and warned me against dating you), your mother loved me (although I'm not sure a 2am meeting is the proper time to meet your boyfriends mom) as did your little brother. I was good to you. A lot better than you were too me. I tried so many times to easy your jealousy. I tried to get you to come to a wrestling match to meet the guys so you could see that we were all just very good friends (truth is they didn't want to meet you either). I tried to get you to understand that while my parents disapproving of you made no sense in OUR world they did it for their reasons...
Life got hard for me B. Really hard. I felt like I had to choose between my family and you. Between my friends and you. It was always something versus you. That should have been sign enough that you weren't for me but it wasn't.
Graduation was nearing and I had a choice to make. I could take a full scholarship to the University of Miami and be with you since that is where you were going for your music program (and lose my parents since they'd essentially disown me since its not what they wanted for me) or move to Montreal which would mean that I would lose you and keep my family happy in in tact. I didn't tell you I was leaving. I'm sorry about that, really, I'm sorry. I called you up one day after graduation and told you I needed some time. I had a big decision to make and just needed time. What I didn't tell you was that my bags were packed and my ticket was purchased. The next time you heard from me I was in Montreal. I made a choice. My family just meant more to me.
I think because I just left you high and dry that I felt guilty. B, you have no idea how many times I cried myself to sleep missing you. Missing your arms around me, missing your kisses, missing all of you. No matter how insanely stupid our relationship was I really did feel safe when I was with you. You were really mad at me, understandably so, and refused to talk to me for a long time. Funny thing though, everytime you'd decide to call me, email me, ICQ me or whatever it was when I was just getting to know a new guy. It's like you just had a "Jenny is over me" sensor and you'd have to interfere. My guilt for leaving you always kicked in and I'd abandon my thoughts of dating whatever guy I was getting to know. I'd come home from my college classes and talk to you on the phone, I'd stay up late every night and we'd talk. It's like we were long distance dating without ever really saying that is what we were doing. I kept coming back to Texas for visits and our roller coaster relationship continued. You tried to convince me to move back. I refused. We'd fight. We'd make up. I came back to Montreal. You disappeared. Repeat cycle for about 3 years.
Why did I feel so guilty? I guess its because while I was trying to move on our friends would tell me that you weren't. That you still read the letters I had written you while I was bored in class so many years ago. That my picture was still framed in your room. That you were still stuck in 1999 while I had moved on. I'm sorry about that but I couldn't really change things. Try putting yourself in my shoes.
I thought about it a lot. I thought about what would happen if I had gone to Florida with you. This would have been my life. Living on campus for the first year, living with you in an apartment after that, probably dropping out of school because I was pregnant. Then we'd accidentally have a second one. 3 years later I'd be alone because our relationship would have completely fizzled. I'm saying that all of that would have happened in three years if not sooner. I would have eventually tired of your jealousy and fights would ensue. We'd wake up one day and be like "Fuck me. What did I do." For that, I'm not sorry. I think my life turned out pretty good and I can only hope that yours turned out like that too.
How odd that a few years ago I was in Texas visiting my parents when you came to their store and I was there? I swear I just stood there staring at you in awe wondering if you recognized the woman I had become because she was so different from the girl that moved away. I almost thought it wasn't you. I kept telling myself, "if he turns around and there is a tattoo on the back of his neck it IS B. I'm not imagining it." There was a tattoo. At the exact same second we both said each other's name. It was great to see you. I was happy to see you actually. I had lost complete touch with you and had no idea what was going on with you. I didn't know if you were still in Texas or had moved...
Talking to you was great. I was happy to hear that your girlfriend was pregnant. I was happy to hear that you'd gotten a job in the industry you wanted to break into. I was genuinely happy for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't bring myself to go have lunch with you. It's not that I was afraid of what could have happened or getting feelings for you again. Its just that....well...I sort of liked having you in the past and that is where I wanted to keep you. I didn't want to mix you with my present or the future. You were my first love and you taught me a lot about love. You taught me what normal, healthy, happy relationships should be like....the complete opposite of what we had. I'm not saying I was never happy with you because I was happy with you. Really. I was. I just know NOW that I could have been happier, we could have been healthier together, we could have been normal. We weren't and that was a stepping stone for me.
B, I just want to let you know that a little part of my heart will always belong to you. A woman never forgets her first love. Never.
P.S. What my mom said was, "Don't think I don't know who that is" when we said each others names. She remembered you. She wasn't happy but she didn't ask what we talked about when we walked off together.