Friday, April 17, 2009

I'm going to Hell in a hand basket....

I'm going to hell in a hand basket.....

For baking cookies! Yep, you heard me right. Today is Orthodox Holy Friday. Today is a day of rest. A day of mourning. Apparently doing anything like baking cookies, cooking dinner, or cleaning your house is strictly forbidden.

I said to Hell with sitting on my ass and doing nothing, I have to make my Easter cookies TODAY. I got off of work early, I had some extra time so I HAVE to make my cookies. I called my mom to ask her something about the dough and she just about had a heart attack! "What? You are making your cookies today? You are doing something JOYFUL on a day like today!?"

Like seriously mom? I start to imagine what will happen to me when I die. Because I'm Greek and all, my little soul will wander around the world for 40 days saying good bye to everything I once knew. After that I float up to the pearly gates where St. Peter is guarding the door with a guest list.

St. Peter:State your name please.

Me: Jenny Georgio-who

*St. Peter starts to scan his list feverishly flipping pages*

St Peter: Oh no, I can't let you in. I'm really sorry. You baked Easter Cookies and Easter Bread on Good Friday in 2009.

Me: (all confused and laughing) Wait you mean thats the ONLY thing keeping me out of heaven? Everything else I've done is completely excusable but baking sends me to hell?

St Peter: Listen, its what the list says. I have no control over it.

Me: You mean you aren't impressed that someone 27 years old made koulraki and tsoureki? My sister in law was 42 that year and she doesn't even know how to dye her eggs much less bake this! Don't I get a pass for not waiting for someone to make them for me?!

St. Peter: You know, traditionally you were supposed to make the cookies on Wednesday and dye the eggs on Thursday. Why did you dye the eggs on Wednesday instead?

Me: (looking down sheepishly) Because I was really tired after work on Wednesday and I knew I wouldn't have time for making cookies on Thursday so I did the eggs on Wednesday. Isn't that great? I mean, my eggs were ready earlier...and I finally got the right shade of red!

St. Peter: What do you mean you knew you wouldn't have time on Thursday? What were you doing (giving me a stare down)

Me: (mumbling) Watching the hockey game.

St. Peter: I'm sorry I didn't hear you speak up.

Me: Watching the hockey game. It was game one of the Stanley Cup playoffs and I had to support my team.

St. Peter: (looking at his list again) Oh my goodness. And you had chicken tenders while you were watching the game. You broke your fast!!!

Me: Noooooooooooooooo!!!! I didn't break it. Didn't you get my memo, I'm only fasting every other day....C'mon have some sympathy Pete.

St. Peter: I'm sorry but I'm standing firmly by this. You are not granted entrance into Heaven.

Me: Just fucking great. Heaven doesn't want me, Hell is afraid I'll take over. I'm dead and still have nowhere to go.

After my momentary daydream I started to explain to my mom how it seriously didn't make any sense how there were only certain days I could do things. Why is Wednesday cookie baking day? Why do we dye the Easter eggs on Thursday and WHY OH WHY do they have to be red? Will we go to hell for having purple, blue, green, yellow, orange etc colored eggs? Yes, I get it. Red. Blood. Cross. Totally feeling you on that one but why do all the eggs have to be red? I have many colored eggs. Screw the just red. If I'm going to hell for colorful eggs so are 98% of the people who celebrate Easter. If colored eggs warrant hell I wonder what those heavily decorated eggs warrant? Being flogged, tarred, and feathered in the town square being being banished to life in eternal flames?

So I made a joke to my mother about how this wasn't the only thing keeping me out of hell. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going there already. I bought my bus ticket there with a discount for advance purchase.... okay okay... I'm the one driving the bus!!!!

My mom didn't find it too funny.

Oh..... as for not doing anything work related today:

1. I went to work. I worked hard.

2. I came home and cooked dinner.

3. I baked 200 cookies.

4. I baked 2 tsoureki (seriously not very easy and soooo time consuming)

5. I baked 3 loaves of Rosemary bread and even decorated one of them for Easter by rolling out extra dough and writing a message on top of the bread.

6. I gave the dog a bath.

7. I'm going to jump off a cliff.


4 comments:

  1. Hahah I'm so glad that's how your first convo after death will happen. I'm Catholic so I pretty much have no chance of going to Heaven. I broke every single rule haha.

    And please don't jump off a cliff! I'll miss your blog too much!

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  2. Wow what an ordeal. I guess I'm going to hell too so I'll see you there. ;}
    Kudos on your baking.

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  3. That's a cute convo with St. Peter. However, Polly, you are going to Hell for that...sorry. Don't feel bad though, I will see you there.

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  4. I'm very happy to know how much company I will have in hell :)

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