Saturday, April 18, 2009

First Class Ticket: To Hell

So I just got an upgrade to Hell. I'm now officially in First Class. I think thats pretty awesome because First Class is obviously the ONLY way to travel right? If I'm going to do something I might as well do it all the way, I don't like half assed jobs anyway.

So how did I get lucky enough to get this upgrade? Well for starters... I brushed my teeth this morning! Oh the horror! Techincally you aren't supposed to put anything in your mouth prior to the Holy Communion. Now I already have a problem with getting communion. Everyone and their mother gets communion from the same spoon. Apparently the spoon is blessed by God and you won't get any kind of sickness from it but c'mon I've seen people with freaking canker sores on their mouths, fever blisters, and just plain looking dirty. I do NOT want to take communion after their mouthes have been on the spoon. Sometimes a simple prayer can not take away all of that bacteria. If I have to take communion from the same spoon can I pleaaaaaase go first? Wait, you mean I have to be at church at like 6am? Yeah I'll risk catching a cold...but you can bet your asses that if I see some dirty sick looking people in line in front of me, I'm gonna step to the side and just leave the church.

I asked my friend the other day, "Why do we take communion", and she was about to give me the long religious answer and I was like, "No why do we really take communion". The answer was that we SHOW that we are accepting God and Christ into our lives. I don't think I need to swallow some wine and have a piece of bread to accept Christ into my life. Just like I don't actually have to show up to Church every Sunday to show that I've accepted him. I can pray from home just as well as I could in a church. Apparently, accepting Christ into your life requires a yearly update, kind of like automatic insurance renewal.

So I do the good girl thing this morning and BRUSH MY TEETH and DRINK WATER and get in the car to go for communion. I tell my husband that if ANYONE makes a comment about me wearing jeans into church I'm going to beat the fuck out of them. It's Saturday morning, 8am, and I'm at church. Be happy that I am concious at this freaking hour on my day off. It's not like I'm about to pull out my dress clothes to walk into church, light a few candles, kiss a few icons (I air kiss), accept communion, take my bread, and walk out. My husband backs me up and says he'll give a beat down to anyone who wants to say anything to me. He really hopes that no one says anything because he hates confrontation and he knows that I'm a bitch. Oh lordy, watch out. I didn't eat yesterday, I'm on a mission to kill someone.

So I am walking from the car into the church and a little old lady starts to tell her daughter about how NOT to dress for church. Jeans aren't permitted (not even Michael Kors!) and women should NOT wear pants to church. I decided to retract my claws. I'm not going to curse out an old lady, even I have my limits. So now I'm in church lighting my candles and doing my cross. A woman about 40 years old starts talking to her friend/sister/lover whatever about how I'm wearing jeans and its disrespectful to God. I turn around with my million dollar smile and give her a stare down.

Me: "Excuse me but we are in God's house right now only he has the right to judge but isn't he the one who said something about NOT judging people."

Her: "You know women wearing pants is against our religion."

Me: "Actually its not. Can you please open the bible and show me where it says women can't wear pants to church? I think you are confusing religion with tradition. It's tradition to not wear pants."

Her: "Then why are you wearing pants?"

Me: "Because I'm not traditional. I even baked cookies last night! Hahahahaha"

Her: *gasp*

Me: *goes up in flames*

Okay so that last line didn't really happen but you should have seen the look on this lady's face. She was like 'why isn't this girl on fire? she wears pants, talks down to her elders, and bakes on Good Friday!!'

So I'm no longer driving the bus to Hell, they decided to let me relax on the trip. I get a free upgrade to first class!


  1. That is what I love about being a Cat-lick. Orthodox churches have silly rules...they forget that Jesus told you not to worry about the clothes that you wear....

  2. Selu is Sad for PollyApril 18, 2009 at 11:33 AM

    OMG, did you question Communion? It is the gift of Christ, His Body and Blood. Oh, Polly, I am going to smack you with an Aramaic Bible.

  3. I know what communion is and I graciously accept it. (If you consider graciously being digusted by sharing the same spoon with everyone in the city...)

    The point is asking the friend WHY do WE take communion. DO you know why you are taking communion without getting into the long religious reasons. Can you sum it up in a few words why we take communion.

  4. You are so right about wearing pants to church. To this day I feel like I am being judged if I dare to wear slacks.

  5. Christ died for us, ultimate Sacrifice, and heals us with his Body and Blood. Sums it up. Oh and the way the Orthodox do Communion is strange. Do not worry, it's Blessed, you won't catch the Ugly.

  6. Jenny, I agree with you. Wear what you want. The fact that you are there is what matters!

    I love your sarcasm and humor!

    This post is priceless.


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