Sunday, September 4, 2011

It's NOT putting your kids down...crazy lady!

So there is a blog post making its rounds on the blogosphere that is called "Stop Putting Down Your Kids".  I read the post a few times trying to figure out where Tara was coming from. Was it written with some sort of humor that was deeply hidden? Was it written from an angry place? I finally realized where it came from. It was written from high above us "normal" parents, on her pedestal.

She says that putting down your children is not helpful, funny, nor will it improve your relationship with your child. I totally get it. Putting down your children is down right crappy. However, all the examples she gave are NOT examples of putting down a child.  The examples she gave are of mother's expressing their feelings to their friends, peers, co-workers or whatever.

Putting down a child is saying something along the lines of "my child is such a fucking douchebag. He's 4 years old and still not potty trained. I think he is mentally handicapped". "My child hasn't stopped eating crap, she is going to become a heifer"


It seems to me that Tara has a hard time getting the difference between parents discussing their hardships, their troubles, their hard times, problems, or however you want to call them and putting down. Putting down is an insult. Putting down is hurting someone's feelings.  Tara went pretty far and even called "putting down your kids" as being selfish.

Is it really selfish? Is it selfish to speak to other moms about issues you are having with your child/children? Here I thought it was a way to interact and bond with other parents and maybe do this weird thing called getting advice. Where should we turn to for advice about children misbehaving, not sleeping well, not eating well or whatever? Should we just google and hope we come up with something good? I know that when D was having issues sleeping I spoke to my friend and she told me about her family's bed time routine and how the end result was her daughter sleeping straight through the night.

When D decided that eating wasn't something she was fond of I spoke to a few friends and complained "Oh my god, D is going to be as picky as an eater as me. She hasn't eaten a solid meal in about 3 days!" and my mommy friends told me about their issues when their children were younger and gave me some suggestions.

You see, some might see it as complaining about our children but NEVER putting them down. Even the complaining is warranted. A parent's job is never over. It's a 24/7 deal. If our child keeps us up all night and we can't function its not good. We have the right to complain, to talk, to get advice. We have the right to NOT be judged for talking to other parents about our issues or hardships.  We have the right to turn to a friend and ask advice and compare horror stories and share survival tips.

Look, let's be honest, no one is going to give you an award for being a great parent but you shouldn't be made to feel like a shitty one for turning to someone to ask for help. If anything it makes us feel like a more normal parent for knowing that the majority of parents are dealing with or have dealt with the same thing.

So how do you feel about Tara's post?


13 comments:

  1. I think Tara's post is horse manure. And I just commented on it too.

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  2. Her post upsets me, as a mom who often says I can't wait until bedtime, or turns to twitter when my son is having a full on epic meltdown.

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  3. I think her post is bullshit.

    She basically wants people to internalize their frustrations and not talk about them. To pretend parenting is all sunshine and rainbows all of the time.

    She wants parents to do what I was doing in the spring, to do what was driving me into depression. In June I decided to seek help. And now, I speak up more, I ask for help more, I let it out a little more. I don't act like everything is perfect and wonderful 100% of the time anymore. And the effect of that...I'm HAPPIER. I'm a better MOM. A better WIFE. A better ME.

    Tara is a f'ing moron. :)

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  4. I'm totally with you Jenny! This isn't 1950. And, here's an interesting question...how many families ended up majorly screwed up because people were afraid to talk about their problems back then for fear of being judged? How many people became alcoholics? I can name quite a few in my family, that's for sure!

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  5. I rarely see anyone crossing over the line when it comes to talking about their kids. It's all normal stuff that makes us not feel so alone. To put up this facade that everything is so perfect only makes the next person feel like something is wrong with them when they're struggling. I have mostly great days being a SAHM, but the bad days can be really awful! I shouldn't be shamed into not saying that. I know perfectionist mothers, and they really are not doing their kids any favors.

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  6. She's absolutely confused on the difference between venting to friends and putting your kids down and it sounds like it's coming from a very angry place maybe because she's guilty of doing the same thing? Maybe not on Twitter/Facebook but definitely to her husband, she admitted so herself. I think her message is more, it's okay to complain just don't do it on social media :/

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  7. I think there's definitely some confusion about putting your kids down and venting. I truly have never seen something that made me think - oh gosh, I can't believe you just publicly said that! As someone who NEVER babysat and unexpectedly found myself pregnant (and thrilled, but totally not sure what to do), I have expressed my concerns and my friends have helped me significantly. My child is MORE well rounded and I am a BETTER parent because of what some people have posted. Thank you to everyone who has done this - you're a huge help!

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  8. We all vent about our kids; it's normal. If you aren't venting, either your kids are too scared of you to misbehave (big problem) or you are hiding normal problems to pretend you have a perfect family (maybe a bigger problem?).

    I will say my kids did stupid things, but I never call them stupid or insult them. I have seen someone refer to her baby as a jerk and an asshole. That bothered me. That's not venting. However, she is the only one I have EVER seen/heard say something like that. I worry for her child.

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  9. I agree with all of you. I don't have kids yet but I am not offended by mommy bloggers who talk about their problems. There was only ever one who seemed to come close to that line ... but not quite over. Does she think pregnant women shouldn't be able to complain about not feeling pretty/thin/etc. because G-d forbid their child read it one day and learn that pregnancy wasn't perfect. Ridiculous!

    I do agree that people shouldn't ridicule their children/spouses. But complaining about something, seeking advice, etc. doesn't count!

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  10. Her post is absolute crap - she absolutely claims to be higher than thou - frightens me that she's an "educator"

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  11. Wow....I feel bad for her kids. If she isn't venting to her friends about the things her kids do to drive her crazy (you know they do) where is that energy going? It isn't healthy to keep it all in and I am so thankful for the mommy friends that I can vent to who know I would NEVER put my daughter down!! Thanks Jenny for sharing what we all want to say.

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  12. Hey just read this and Tara's blog and I think she has a point about putting your kids down. The assumption that if you aren't venting about something means you have some energy build up or something wrong with you is fairly odd to say the least. I would think there is a possibility that people who don't have the need to vent every five minutes have some peace in their lives and are quite possibly just happy people!

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  13. Having said that I don't think there is anything wrong with discussing your problems with people and getting advice or even having a laugh about stuff.I just think it's a bit unfair to put down your kids in a way you wouldn't put down your best friend etc.

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