Sunday, August 7, 2011

I don't hate you but I certainly don't respect you.

Wow. I think I've blogged 3 times this week depending on if you think the week starts on Sunday or not. I'm a Monday to Monday type of girl therefore I have blogged 3 times in one week.  Anyway....

So last night I had some girlfriends over (what else is new) and we were just talking and shooting the shit. One of my friends goes to me, "Dude, is your father in law over every single Saturday" to which I replied, "Don't get me started on this please...and if its not on a Saturday its on the Sunday." My friend looked at me as if she was scared. Seriously, how many people actually have their inlaws at their house EVERY SINGLE FREAKING weekend?  A little while later another friend came over and as we were sitting in the backyard enjoying an iced coffee and talking about everything under the sun (ie, people we dont really like) the other girl goes, "Your father in law is here again right?! And he was here last Saturday too.....and....was he over the Saturday before that?" The friend who asked me earlier basically answered for me, "Dude, don't get her started."

This morning I wake up and as I'm feeding the baby, making my coffee, and unloading the dishwasher I tell my husband what transpired. He was like "well what the heck is that supposed to mean. Does he honestly bother you that much Jenny." I told him that while no his father doesn't bother me in the sense that he gets in my way it DOES in fact bother me that every weekend my plans have to be either in the morning or in the evening because his dad will be here in the afternoon. We basically have to plan our day around a trip to Montreal and back... There is no being spontaneous, there is no day long trips to the zoo, the park, a picnic, or a trip to the US.Yesterday my father in law came over to my house and spent about 2 hours in the backyard by himself. Wait what? Why complain that you are alone all week long and when we bring you up to our house you spend time alone anyway!? Makes no freaking sense to me but I have learned that my weekend has to revolve around my father in law because....

My brother in law and his wife are fucking useless. Yes, I did just say that. I said that on the world wide interweb so that everyone can know! When it comes to my father in law, my brother in law doesn't give a flying fuck, my sister in law doesn't give a flying fuck either. I mean why should they? My husband and I are the idiots who have allowed ourselves to be walked all over by his brother and wife. Wait, let me rephrase that. My husband has allowed US to be walked all over. Why? He's a bleeding heart and on one hand I can totally understand it. He feels bad for his dad. It sucks that he is alone all week long because we all work and are busy. But why is my husband the only one who cares? I don't give a damn if my brother in law moved out of his parents house when he was only 23 years old. Does that mean he loves his parents less? I mean, my sister and I both left Texas when we were 18 and I don't think it means we love our parents less than someone else who lived at home until they were 32 or whatever. If you FEEL for your parents and you LOVE your parents you will do whatever you can to make them comfortable in their old age and to SHOW that love.

I've spoken to my husband many times how I don't think its fair that we are the only ones who have our lives interrupted by my father in law. I've spoken to my sister in law many times about I'm beyond frustrated because I have my father in law all the time. We had come up with a plan. Every other weekend. We'd bring the father in law up one weekend and get a break the next weekend because he'd be at my brother in laws house. I think that plan lasted all of 3 weeks. I mean of course, my brother in law was very busy golfing, then looking for ideas of a resto to open, then he found one and of course it needed to be updated, then open, and now operated. My sister in law couldn't be bothered because, well, she has a weekly hair appointment, she wants to go see her friends, she wants to live HER life. Jeez, I wonder what that is like. To live my own life without giving a fuck about other people?

What I don't understand is do they not see how selfish and self centered they are? My mother in law died a few months after hubby and I married. It was hard on him because he was very close to his mother. All of a sudden I inherited a father in law. Every single weekend. My brother in law never offered to bring his dad up, my sister in law never offered to take her father in law out for lunch or something. They never offered us a weekend off. We were newly married and had a thorn in our sides from the get go. Hubby's dad was over every single weekend. We had to go out of town to be able to get a weekend away from the father in law and of course while we were gone his brother and sister in law never offered to step up and bring the dad anywhere.

Then I got pregnant and didn't even get to enjoy being home on bed rest in nothing but a bra and underwear because well, my father in law was over every single weekend. My brother in law and his wife never offered to step up and help out so we can just enjoy the moment.

Then I had my daughter. Do you think I got to enjoy being a new mom? Do you think I got to enjoy my new little family? NO of course not. Why? Because I had my father in law over here every single god damn mother fucking weekend! (Yes that did require so many curse words). There are no intimate little family outings, there is no enjoying just us. I work Monday thru Friday. I come home and play with baby, feed baby, put baby to sleep. The weekend is where I'd like to do things with my husband and daughter but I can't. Why not? Because I have the father in law. I always have the father in law. Of course now he wants to be here more often because he wants to see the baby. He wants to enjoy her, he wants to experience her.

I've spoken to my sister in law about this before. I told her woman to woman that eventually my father in law was going drive a wedge between my husband and I. I am not the type of person to sit by and idly watch my life pass me by. I AM the type of person who will throw the towel in, pack my stuff and my baby's stuff and go back home. To Texas. I will one day leave my husband whom I love dearly because I cannot have my father in law here every weekend. It's not that my father in law gets in my way its just that...well...simply put...I don't NEED someone here every weekend. I want my OWN little family. I don't need an extension on a weekly basis.  My sister in law doesn't accept any of the blame, instead she tells me that it is my husband's fault for allowing his dad over every weekend.

You know what? Because I am a logical person, I do understand how that can be. It is partially hubby's fault. He doesn't put his foot down and he feels bad telling his dad that he is busy. BUT he feels bad because he knows that his brother and his wife will NOT step up and bring the father in law up to Laval for a few hours or take him out to lunch/dinner. Hubby doesn't want to KNOW that his dad is alone and lonely and bitching and moaning (because if we are being honest if hubby doesn't bring him up he bitches and moans and complains and says no one cares for him).

I've asked my husband many times to talk to his side of the family about helping out with his dad. He always tells me "Jen just let it get to the point I want it to...I will handle it" Sorry honey but your method of handling it only gets me more frustrated, more angry, and to the point that I want to wrangle up every member of your family and give them a bitch slap with my beautiful Prada boots. When my sister in law comes back from her month long vacation to the condo that my father in law paid for and wasn't invited to go to..... I told my husband I want a family meeting and I will do the talking. I told my husband not to pull the typical "Greek manly" thing and tell the wife not to talk because I will talk. I will speak and I will be heard. He asked me, "Jen you can talk all you want but please be respectful". I told him I plan on being respectful but to the point.  My speech will basically end with, "How come people who come over randomly are able to notice that the father in law is here every single weekend but you don't? Oh that is right, you are selfish and see it but don't give a damn."

I'm not joking when I say this but my in-laws lack of caring and helping will ultimately be the only reason my marriage will fail. I did not get married and sign up for inheriting a live in father in-law. I don't care if its weekends only, its the ONLY time I have to enjoy my family and I don't get to enjoy them because I have HIM all the time.

While I don't hate my brother in law and his wife I have absolutely no respect for them.

5 comments:

  1. Every single weekend would kill me too but it's such a sensitive situation, I don't think you're hubby can just tell him not to come!

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  2. Is your father-in-law handicapped? You make it sound like he is, which is why I'm asking. When we lived in the same city as my in-law we saw them every single Sunday. We had an early dinner with them and watched football. My MIL took care of me the entire 3 months that I was on bed rest. I don't know what I would have done without her. I understand that sometimes it can be frustrating but if you FIL is coming over and spending time alone at your house I don't see what's stopping you from going out and doing things despite his visit. Could you even invite him to go with you? I guess I just believe in the sanctity of familial relationships. Our parents might be irritating, our in-laws might drive us crazy, but they're not always going to be around and I think you should cherish the time that you do have with them (him).

    If you really can't do that, though, perhaps you should go ahead and make your plans. Go to the zoo, extend the invite to him. Go to the US and extend the invite to him. Do what YOU have to do and your FIL can make the decision to either come or not come. More than likely he will not always want to encroach on your family time.

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  3. They say we can choose our friends but we can't choose our family. Unfortunately, toxic and problematic family members are common. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that they think they can take advantage more because you're family.
    Real love comes with respect. And it definitely does not look like there is any here.
    I understand why you are upset, but please try not to let it affect your marriage and your family. Talk to your husband again and let him know that you do not want these issues to be the cause of problems in your family and the strain it is putting on your marriage.
    YOUR family comes first (meaning you, hubby and children). All the best!

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  4. i love you. seriously. and while my situation is way more tolerable than yours, the fury is SPOT ON! mine stops by unannounced (well, he calls my husband during the day and my husband in turn tells me on his way home from work) for dinner and a sleepover!! my husband feels sorry for him--wah wah--how can i ask him to stay in a hotel, it's just for one night, etc... BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING GROSS, WALKS AROUND IN HIS UNDERWARE IN THE MORNING, WE HAVE HOCKEY PRACTICE, SWIM PRACTICE, WE WERE GOING TO HAVE BREAKFAST FOR DINNER, AND I HAVE TO STUDY AND DO LAUNDRY AND WAS THINKING ABOUT PICKING A FIGHT WITH YOU TONIGHT, OR DRINKING WINE AND MAYBE HAVING SEX. jeeze!!! btw; i can't believe i googled: i hate my father in law, and came upon your fabulous blog :) thank you!!!!!

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  5. I completely agree and sympathize with in-law stress. We were expected over at my in-law's house for Sunday dinners and family time afterwards. If we weren't able to be at a Sunday dinner the hosts were offended and gave us guilt trips (i.e. "You said once we moved here you'd be over here every day.") We had to bring our own chair to put our son's high chair on (being they didn't want their's scuffed up) and the pack n' play (being it was usually held over nap time) and sometimes a plate to pass. When my husband deployed it became too much for me to handle all of that every weekend. They took my backing off as me having a problem with them and again offended by me not showing up (because I was exhausted and it was emotionally hard for me to be at my in-laws while my husband is gone). Their lack of understanding and unkind words made a wedge between me and my in-laws and me and my husband (who really couldn't do anything about it halfway around the world). My husband and I have repaired our bond, but we are estranged, with no sign of repairing the bond, with some of his family members. We had to think of our marriage and our health and our family. We are healthier and happier not having these toxic people in our lives. We are facing another deployment next year and I know will handle things better without these people causing stress in my life.

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