Well the lovely Mary McCarthy over at Pajamas & Coffee posted a blog on the Mommy Wars. It reminded me of something that I had written over the holidays on my Facebook "notes". I'm reposting it here as it got a lot of feedback on Facebook and it goes so well with what Mary had to say, although she posted in more more eloquent words then my angry self ever could!
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Okay so this isn't really a bitchfest or anything like my last note but this is something that gets on my last freaking nerve. The subject of HOW to raise your children, to be exact, should you or shouldn't you put your children in daycare.
I think that this is a very personal subject and its not up to someone else to judge what is right or wrong for your family. Some families can afford to have the mother stay at home for 10 years to raise the kids while other families can barely manage for the mother to stay home for 10 days. It's not up to you or me or anyone else to decide what is best for the kids or best for the family.
It seems that everytime we are at a family get together this subject comes up. One of my very overly righteous aunts goes on and on about how her daughter has sacrificed for her children by not working since she was first pregnant....over 12 years now. And how said aunt didn't go work for 9 years after she first started to have children. She believes that its the ONLY way to raise children. "If we were able to make do years and years ago why can't you guys make do now."
That irks me to no end. Maybe you were able to make do because you were used to having less. Maybe you were able to make do because your expenses weren't the expenses that people have today. Maybe your daughter is able to make do because she lives in her mother in laws duplex for free? Maybe all of that is why you think that staying home for years on end doing nothing is PROPER and RIGHT for children.
I dunno, I mean, I want to have children and I love children to death but I don't think that I have to give up everything in the world to raise them. I know that sounds wrong but I can't find the right words to say it in. I went to school and got an education to get my career. I love my career and I love my pay. Because of my pay and my husband's pay we were able to get ourselves a very nice house and we have a certain lifestyle that we want to maintain and do the same for our children. Just because I have kids doesn't mean I want to stop wearing designer clothes or drive lower end cars... I want to have that still. I want to have my kids living in a nice and spacious house, I want to drive my nice car still, I want to dress myself and my children in nicer clothes and if that means that my kid has to go to daycare so that I can go to work I will.
The government of Quebec gives you 1 year materinity leave when you have a child. You can take two years but only have one year paid but you are still guaranteed your position back at your job. I plan on doing that or going back to work after 18months. I don't see a problem with children going to daycare. I don't think its wrong, I don't think its abandonment. I do have a problem with parents who take their kids to daycare at 7am and pick them up at 6pm and spend no time with their children....at the same time I have a problem with stay at home moms who just talk on the phone all day and pretty much ignore their children.
But all that being said, I don't think that anyone has the right to say what people should or shouldn't do with their kids regarding daycare. If you want to stay home for 15 years, thats your decision. If you want to stay home for 3 years, thats your decision. If you can only stay home for 6 months thats up to you. You do what you have to do for your children and no one has the right to say anything.
I can't wait to have kids and have my aunt say something about it. I'll have a few choice words for her :)
I have to say that I completely agree with everything you just said. Having children and raising them a certain way is a personal choice that every family needs to make for themselves and their situation. I know that there is no way on earth I will be able to be a stay at home once I have children and I am okay with that.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that being a stay at home mother doesn't make you a better parent. I know parents that stay at home with their kids and they sit on the couch and watch television or talk on the phone all day. On the flip side, I don't agree with leaving your children at daycare 12 hours and spending zero time with them.
I think you're doing a good thing when you have children by working, saving and providing for them. People may disagree with me and I don't knock anyone's ideas. This is strictly my personal opinion.
thanks for the shout out to Pajamas & Coffee, though I am rarely accused of being eloquent! lol. I'm too lazy to be in a Mommy War. I'd rather drink margaritas!
ReplyDeleteOh man, I completely get why you were irked. Times are different now. College is astronomically expensive, to begin with.
ReplyDeleteI pretty much agree. It really isn't someone else's place to judge whether a child should or shouldn't be in day care. And whether a parent should or shouldn't be a stay at home mom/dad.
ReplyDeleteI personally want to be a stay at home mom. I have heard from a therapist that the first 3 years are the most important for the mother to spend with the child. However, I want to stay home with the child until they go to school. And even then, I don't wanna hold a regular job. I want to be a parent volunteer in my child's school. That's just me. However, if my husband and I are not able to afford to live that way, then oh well.
I was a latch key kid when I entered jr high. I was put in day care during my elementary years. My parents both worked 9-5, M-F jobs. They were home on the weekends and their jobs were located near the city we lived in. They were there for the activities I or my brother were involved in.
What I do have a problem with is parents that work and put their children in so many activities that they aren't even the ones who are there to take their kids to practice. I think it's unfair for the child. I babysat and had to always take the kids to their practices. Why put your kids in softball or baseball or whatever when you're not gonna be there for it? Just attending the games doesn't mean anything to me. My sister works, is now a single parent, and attends both her daighters' practices and games. She is dedicated to her children's activities.
I think "to each their own." If a parent can stay home with their children, great. If not, oh well. The kid isn't gonna grow up to be an axe murderer just cuz their mommy wasn't home making them an after school snack.
You are absolutely right in that some families can afford it and some can't. I had this discussion with a friend this past Saturday. Some families are willing to sacrafice certain things and go with out. Some can afford it with out giving up anything at all. And some, even if they lived with the just the necessities, STILL couldn't afford to have one parent stay home.
Canada is pretty lucky to have that maternity leave law. People in the US, with their part time jobs, can't afford to just leave right after having a child.
-Brandie
I agree with everything you said here. Every decision within every family is different because every family is different with different needs! My sister and I went to daycares everyday until we were old enough to stay home alone and I didn't feel neglected one bit! We spent plenty of time with my parents and the rest of our family. Our parents always spent evenings with us eating dinner, watching tv and helping us with our homework. Weekends were spent pretty much doing the same. One thing I will comment on is, our parents didn't go out very much on the weekends. Maybe once a month. Maybe. It was always spent with us.
ReplyDeleteHaving children doesn't mean you have to give up everything, you need an equal balanced life. I think what people are confusing here is what should come first and that should always be your children.
Great post. I actually didn't realize that the Canadian maternity leave was so generous.
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