It's NOT putting your kids down...crazy lady!

So there is a blog post making its rounds on the blogosphere that is called "Stop Putting Down Your Kids".  I read the post a few times trying to figure out where Tara was coming from. Was it written with some sort of humor that was deeply hidden? Was it written from an angry place? I finally realized where it came from. It was written from high above us "normal" parents, on her pedestal.

She says that putting down your children is not helpful, funny, nor will it improve your relationship with your child. I totally get it. Putting down your children is down right crappy. However, all the examples she gave are NOT examples of putting down a child.  The examples she gave are of mother's expressing their feelings to their friends, peers, co-workers or whatever.

Putting down a child is saying something along the lines of "my child is such a fucking douchebag. He's 4 years old and still not potty trained. I think he is mentally handicapped". "My child hasn't stopped eating crap, she is going to become a heifer"

It seems to me that Tara has a hard time getting the difference between parents discussing their hardships, their troubles, their hard times, problems, or however you want to call them and putting down. Putting down is an insult. Putting down is hurting someone's feelings.  Tara went pretty far and even called "putting down your kids" as being selfish.

Is it really selfish? Is it selfish to speak to other moms about issues you are having with your child/children? Here I thought it was a way to interact and bond with other parents and maybe do this weird thing called getting advice. Where should we turn to for advice about children misbehaving, not sleeping well, not eating well or whatever? Should we just google and hope we come up with something good? I know that when D was having issues sleeping I spoke to my friend and she told me about her family's bed time routine and how the end result was her daughter sleeping straight through the night.

When D decided that eating wasn't something she was fond of I spoke to a few friends and complained "Oh my god, D is going to be as picky as an eater as me. She hasn't eaten a solid meal in about 3 days!" and my mommy friends told me about their issues when their children were younger and gave me some suggestions.

You see, some might see it as complaining about our children but NEVER putting them down. Even the complaining is warranted. A parent's job is never over. It's a 24/7 deal. If our child keeps us up all night and we can't function its not good. We have the right to complain, to talk, to get advice. We have the right to NOT be judged for talking to other parents about our issues or hardships.  We have the right to turn to a friend and ask advice and compare horror stories and share survival tips.

Look, let's be honest, no one is going to give you an award for being a great parent but you shouldn't be made to feel like a shitty one for turning to someone to ask for help. If anything it makes us feel like a more normal parent for knowing that the majority of parents are dealing with or have dealt with the same thing.

So how do you feel about Tara's post?

Sending Mixed Signals as Moms

This blog post might hit a few nerves so I apologize in advance if you get offended by this. It is not my intention to offend, its just my intention to say what I feel.

I get annoyed when I come across twitter handles and blog names and emails that are soandsos'smom. It drives me insanely crazy. I don't really know why this is bothers me but it does. I guess I've always thought of it like, Yes, my daughter IS my biggest accomplishment but she is NOT the only thing in my life that I've accomplished. I'm a mother but I have an identity outside of a mom. I wear more than one hat, don't you?

Growing up I hated being called "Alex's little sister". Along with correcting them that I'm the "younger" sister NOT the little sister I'd be sure to throw my name in there. I'm "Jenny, Alex's younger sister," or if you prefer  "Alex's younger sister, Jenny."  Now that I'm older I still get ticked off by those types of labels. I dropped Demi off at daycare the other day and a parent goes to me, "Are you Demi's mom" "Yes, I'm Jenny, Demi's mom." 

Now my post isn't about the lack of using my name and only referring to me as a mom but its about the message we send to our children, mainly our daughters. From the moment we give birth nowadays we are freaked out by trying to remain gender neutral and not push a sex on a kid. We try not to give dolls to girls and trucks to boys. We try not to use terms like "sweet girl" and  "strong boy". We don't stress boy toys or girl toys and boy colors and girl colors. We teach both our sons and daughters that they can be anything they want to be. We love and support them in anything they do. We teach them about doing what they want and finding themselves. We allow our children to form their own identities and we support them in that. When we notice that our children are out of line we discipline them, when we notice they are too shy we try to coax them out of their shell. But we always support their identity. The kid is girlie, a tomboy, tough, a bit weak, in touch with this/her feelings, emotional...we work with our kids and figure out how to approach them. How to talk to them, how to discipline them depending on their personalities. 

Then a funny thing happens, our daughter's grow up and become moms and even we stop calling them by their names. We'll ask our grandchildren "Where is your mommy? What did your mommy say? Did mommy make you breakfast today?" We stop talking to our children about how their day was an instead ask how THEIR child's day was. We spent all this time teaching our children to become their own person and then we let them lose it and just focus on their being a mom. We tell our daughters to never fall into a man's shadow. To stand on their own and be their own person. Don't rely on a man for money, emotional support, or anything. Be equals. Be partners. Then somehow we end up allowing our children to go from "Jenny" to "Demismom.blogspot.com" We say nothing of this we think this is completely normal. It's NOT.

It gets under my skin. Maybe my mom raised me different, maybe I'm too hard headed? I don't want to just be known as a mom. There is so much more to me than what I popped out of my vagina. Now I don't mind being a mom, in fact I love it but its not everything that encompasses me. If that makes me a bad mom then I guess I'm a horrible mom. I guess I'm just urging more moms to step out of their children's shadows and be your own person. Don't be just a mom.

Does this get under your skin or are you one of the offenders!?

Letter #3: A Letter to my Parents

First of all, this is my 100th post. C'mon thats freaking awesome. I probably wrote more in 2011 than I did in 2010. Kinda sad and pathetic right?

Well here is my letter.

Dear Mom and Dad,


Gosh where does one start a letter to their parents? It seems like there is so much that can be said but other times I feel as if we've said every thing there is to say. You both know that I love you both very very much and wouldn't change my parents for anything. 


Remember how I used to tell you guys that when I had kids I totally wouldn't raise them like you guys raised my sister and me? Well...It's sorta true sorta not.


Now that I am older I realize that you guys were strict on us because you saw everything that was happening in our society and you just weren't used to it. Let's be honest, the way YOU were raised in Greece was most certainly not the way kids were raised in Arlington, TX. I though that you were insanely strict and just didn't want us to have fun, fit in, or be normal. (Hey I'll admit I was allowed to do a lot more than my sister was...) But now that I am a mom I see all the crazy shit that you tried to protect us from...only now its worse. Now its 10 times worse. Today's society is completely insane and I'm very happy to have you both as examples on how to raise children and how to protect them.


Looking back on everything I now know that you didn't miss school plays, talent shows, parent-teacher nights because you wanted to...you did it because you had to work to provide for us the life that we had. (A rather good life if I do say so myself).


If I had to say anything I disliked about your parenting (hey we are being honest right) I'd have to say that I wish you would have given us a little more freedom, given us a bit of space to spread our wings. (Funny I say US but I'm only speaking for myself. I'm not sure what Alex is thinking). I know you wanted to protect us from making mistakes but sometimes learning from our own mistakes is much more powerful than hearing anecdotes and examples of other people's mistakes. Learning and experiencing are very powerful tools.


So mommy and daddy...I basically want to end this the same way I started it. With letting you know that I love you both from the bottom of my heart.


By the way mom: Now I totally get it when you'd tell me "Just become a mom Polexeny and then tell me that I'm crazy!" but can you please STOP telling me,"Wait until you become a grandma...then you'll know why I am the way I am".




Love you,


Your favorite daughter,  (ha ha. I'm kidding Alex now fuck off!)


Jenny 




Other people doing writing challenges:


Heather @ Tomorrow Starts Today


Tash @ Tashsparkles

Dana @ Undercover Super Mom

Relationship Rules...oh wait, I mean common sense!

You know the types of things that people post on Twitter and Facebook are extremely alarming. Seriously, people feel so comfortable in the cyberworld that they forget that people in the real world really know them. I don't get why people post half the crap they do...but they do and of course that leaves people like me something to blog about so I don't mind so much.

From my past few years of social networking and my recent year of twittering I've picked up a few relationship rules that I figured I'd share with you. Hell, I might be saving your relationship as we speak. You can totally thank me later. I also accept tips via my paypal :)

1. If you don't want people questioning why you are in a certain relationship stop writing crazy shit as your status or latest blog post. If you tell everyone that your husband hits you...people will call him abusive. If you tell people that he constantly ridicules you, they will still call him abusive as well as scum and other choice words. Don't expect because the next day he bought you flowers for everyone to be "Oh that's so freaking sweet!" It's called sucking up because he wants your dumb ass to stick around so that he can continue to beat on you. He's an insecure man and you are insecure therefore an easy target for him. Don't find excuses for him, "Oh he was drunk. Oh he had a hard day at work. Oh his mom had really gotten under his skin that morning". I don't give one fucking shit how bad his day was, how much he drank, or who pissed him off....it doesn't give ANYONE the right to take their shit out on their spouse. STOP complaining about how shitty he is and continue to stay with him and then make excuses. Get the fuck off of that train and soon. I seriously have a feeling in my stomach that one of my twitter friends will end up dead at her husbands hands within the next few years. Yes, its that bad.

2. CHILDREN DO NOT SAVE MARRIAGES. If you and your spouse are thinking of ending your relationship having a baby will NOT help. It might at first, for a few weeks, or months, or even a year but then all those feelings you felt will come up again and you'll still end up divorced....only now you are dragging innocent little kids into it. Eventually you will end up hating your spouse and likely resenting the kid too. Kids shouldn't be used as pawns in a marriage. Have kids when you are happy in your HEALTHY relationship and when BOTH of you want them. I have a friend from HS who was miserable in his marriage. He stayed with his wife for the sake of their first kid. The more they talked about divorce the more angry she got. She got herself knocked up again and now he's staying for the sake of the kids. He's miserable, she's miserable and the kids feel that tension. (Seriously folks, if you are thinking of divorcing your spouse how about you keep your private parts to yourself to this type of shit doesn't happen?)

3. ENTRAPMENT. What do I mean? Say you are that couple that has a super rocky relationship. You are together for a week, broken up for a week, together for 3 months, broken up for 1 month... yeah... those types of couples should seriously invest in birth control. Let's be honest, usually when people have those rocky relationships its because one person wants more than the other. Someone wants to get married and the other doesn't...one wants kids and the other doesn't. People that are on the same page rarely have roller coaster relationships. If you are in a relationship like this USE BIRTH CONTROL. If your girlfriend wants to get married and have kids and you don't....do NOT rely on her for birth control. Use a fucking condom. That is the type of girl who will "accidentally" get pregnant. Why? Because she thinks that by her being pregnant she'll get it all. The ring, the baby, the house, and the perfect life. It's RARELY like that. Okay, so say he does give you a ring. He proposes and agrees to marry you...is that what you really want? You want a guy to marry you ONLY because he wants to do right by his child? He doesn't want to marry YOU for YOU...he's doing it because he feels PRESSURED by either his family or society to "do right by you"? I don't know about you but I have way too much self esteem and self respect to trap a man into marrying me. If you don't want me for me I'm not going to scheme to come up with plans to get you to marry me. I'm moving on honey. I mean, isn't that really shitty? You basically ruined someone else's life by tricking them and forcing them to be a husband and a father when they didn't want that at all for themselves? Oh, word to the wise, for those of you who have done this or plan on doing this DO NOT TELL ANYONE. Why? Because one day the cat will find its way out of the bag and you are going to drag other people through your shit and I'm sure they don't want to be there. Huh? Say you do this and you tell your best friend... or a good friend...or a friend in general. You guys have a huge fight. You both explode and say things that you either really mean or don't mean so much. Now trapped husband is listening and the friend screams something like, "oh yeah, at least I didn't trick "enternamehere" into marrying me bitch!" Yeah, you are pretty much screwed. Especially if boyfriend and you had trust issues prior to that. Do yourself a favor and don't tell anyone...not in real life, not on twitter, not on facebook. Take that shit to the grave.


Yeah so those are my few short tips. It's sad to think that its 2010 and some people still don't get it. It's not rocket science people, its freaking common sense! I'm sure I'll see more things and update this list in another blog post at a later date...until then....keep posting random shit for me to see! :)